| prophetsam | Rescue me from drownding in Tedium! |
Formlike Section --
Name: Samuel DOB: 8/17/1981
Height: 5'9" Weight: 130lbs
Eyes: Green/Yellow-Green Hair: Brown
Location: Greensboro, North Carolina
GoogleVoice:336-303-1773
AIM: xLoveIsTheLawx93
Yahoo: Sam_The_Enchanter
MSN: prophetsam23@live.com
E-Mail: vagabondsam81@gmail.com
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Idealistic Section --
I'm a poet, a hopeless romantic, an idealist. I'm an Empath, a pacifist, a liberal. I am the "long-haired pinko" your grandparents were worried about. I am a very spiritual person, yet against organized religion. I dream of, and try for, a utopian society. As Gandhi said: "You must BE the change you wish to see in this world".
Poetic Section --
Hot tears in a cold bed
Vast and empty
Isolated once again
Where is the companion flame
Of the passion, the fire
That burns deep in my soul......
Quote section --
"Work, the curse of the 'Drinking Classes' - Oscar Wilde
..more to come...
 Narcissism  |
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| Update: | 2010-01-06 16:06:19 ET |
Nikolai Christopher Safran
Born: Nov 23, 2009. 09:59p EST
7lb, 2oz; 19.25in
Pictures will be posted as soon as I get around to it. - Kicked out of in-laws, and wife told me she wanted to separate all in the same day (day after Christmas), so don't exactly have access to my computer.
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| ..not dead yet... | 2009-09-17 22:44:16 ET |
For some reason, the image this brings to mind is Jennifer Connoly<sp?> singing in the Burlesque Club in 'Dark City'....
Dead and Lovely
by
Tom Waits
"She was a middle class girl
She was in over her head
She thought she would
Stand up in the deep end
He had a bullet proof smile
He had money to burn
She thought she had the moon
In her pocket
But now she's dead
She's so dead
Forever dead and lovely now
I've always been told to
Remember this...
Don't let a fool kiss you
Never marry for love
He was hard to impress
He knew everyone's secrets
He wore her on his arm
Just like jewelry
He never gave but he got
He kept her on a leash
He's not the kind of wheel
You fall asleep at
But now she's dead
Forever dead
Forever dead and lovely now
Come closer, look deeper
You've fallen fast
Just like a plane on a
Stormy sea
She made up someone to be
She made up somewhere to be from
This is one business in the
World where that's no
Problem at all
Everything that is left
They will only plow under
Soon every one you know
Will be gone
And now she's dead
Forever dead
Forever dead and lovely now
Now she's dead
Forever dead
Forever dead and lovely now
I've always been told to
Remember this...
Don't let a kiss fool you
Never marry for love
Everything has its price [2x]
What's more romantic
Then dying in the moonlight?
Now they're all watching the sea
What's lost can never be broken
Her roots were sweet
But they were so shallow
And now she's dead
Forever dead
Forever dead and lovely now
And now she's dead
Forever dead
And she's so dead and lovely now"
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| Poor Me - the Israelite! | 2009-02-20 02:31:17 ET |
Desmond Dekker & The Aces - Israelite Lyrics
"Get up in the morning, slaving for bread, sir
so that every mouth can be fed.
Poor me, the Israelite. Aah.
Get up in the morning, slaving for bread, sir,
So that every mouth can be fed.
Poor me, the Israelite. Aah.
My wife and my kids, they are packed up and leave me.
Darling, she said, I was yours to be seen.
Poor me, the Israelite. Aah.
Shirt them a-tear up, trousers are gone.
I don't want to end up like Bonnie and Clyde.
Poor me, the Israelite. Aah.
After a storm there must be a calm.
They catch me in the farm. You sound the alarm.
Poor me, the Israelite. Aah.
Poor me, the Israelite.
I wonder who I'm working for.
Poor me, Israelite,
I look a-down and out, sir."
For you who this song is TOTALLY Foreign to, it's the song playing during the Credits/'Home-Movie Scene' of the movie 'Drugstore Cowboy' - a classic, with a Cameo by William S. Burroughs....
....it also happens to be a movie, and a song that I VERY MUCH connect with.....
-S
-S
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| Life Update - | 2009-01-08 13:51:32 ET |
Married as of Aug 27th (she had a beautiful 14mo daughter when we married), and working at Panera Bread until the next term when I'll take my Pharmacy Tech certification. Just busy, busy, busy..... Still here, though.
-S
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| Sotally Tober | 2008-10-08 11:21:17 ET |
"I got rid of all those reporters." - "What did you tell them?" - "We're out of scotch." - "What a gruesome idea." -- Myrna Loy & William Powell
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for. -- W.C. Fields
"I suppose I'll be able to get a drink there." - "I told the stewardess liquor for three." - "Who are the other two? - "Oh, there are no other two." -- Sean Connery & Cec Linder
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| Come check me out.: I do regular Webcam Radio-Shows! | 2008-05-24 17:57:12 ET |
Not sure if this cut-and-paste is going to work, so here: Radio-Free Prophetsam!
Random Broad/Livecasting
Random Broad/Livecasting
I would MUCH appriciate if everyone going into those go to the parent sites, blogtv, stickam, justin.tv, etc... and register first - not only will it allow you to hear, and be fully interactive - chat, etc.... but also, no one likes a Lurker...
<embed width="240" height="120" src="http://www.blogtv.com/sch/25451" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" bgcolor="#EDEDED" allowFullScreen="true"></embed>
-S
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| To L (II) - | 2008-05-22 16:51:21 ET |
Time in a Bottle
- Jim Croche
If I could save time in a bottle
The first thing that Id like to do
Is to save every day
Till eternity passes away
Just to spend them with you
If I could make days last forever
If words could make wishes come true
Id save every day like a treasure and then,
Again, I would spend them with you
But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
Ive looked around enough to know
That youre the one I want to go
Through time with
If I had a box just for wishes
And dreams that had never come true
The box would be empty
Except for the memory
Of how they were answered by you
But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
Ive looked around enough to know
That youre the one I want to go
Through time with
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| For L - | 2008-04-08 19:08:30 ET |
Operator, by Jim Croce -
"Operator, well could you help me place this call?
See, the number on the matchbook is old and faded.
She's living in L. A. with my best old ex-friend Ray,
A guy she said she knew well and sometimes hated.
Isn't that the way they say it goes? Well, let's forget all that
And give me the number if you can find it,
So I can call just to tell 'em I'm fine and to show
I've overcome the blow, I've learned to take it well --
I only wish my words could just convince myself
That it just wasn't real, but that's not the way it feels.
Operator, well could you help me place this call?
Well, I can't read the number that you just gave me.
There's something in my eyes, you know it happens every time --
I think about a love that I thought would save me.
Isn't that the way they say it goes? Well, let's forget all that
And give me the number if you can find it,
So I can call just to tell 'em I'm fine and to show
I've overcome the blow, I've learned to take it well --
I only wish my words could just convince myself
That it just wasn't real, but that's not the way it feels.
No, no, no, no -- that's not the way it feels.
Operator, well let's forget about this call --
There's no one there I really wanted to talk to.
Thank you for your time, ah, you've been so much more than kind.
And you can keep the dime.
Isn't that the way they say it goes? Well, let's forget all that
And give me the number if you can find it,
So I can call just to tell 'em I'm fine and to show
I've overcome the blow, I've learned to take it well --
I only wish my words could just convince myself
That it just wasn't real, but that's not the way it feels.
No, no, no, no -- that's not the way it feels. "
I miss you...
-S
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| Great M*A*S*H quote! | 2007-11-20 14:50:13 ET |
Hawkeye: Radar, I have the impression that we woke you around 3:30 this morning.
Radar: No, it was ten of four.
Trapper: Did we say why?
Radar: Uh, you said you wanted to sacrifice a virgin.
Hawkeye: Did we?
Radar: I was too sleepy.
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| BlogTV - Sam's Twisted Life | 2007-11-11 17:57:18 ET |
The Twisted Life of Sam
You have to sign up for a name - don't have to broadcast - to hear and participate in the chat (It's totally free, of course, or an Anti-Capitalist like me wouldn't be on there)
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| Did you wear your black arm-band today? | 2007-10-12 15:36:26 ET |
Columbus landed in Hispanolia in 1492 - on this date, marking the begining of one of (if not the largest) Mass-Genocides in history!!!
Well, folks.... Saved from eviction, for at least a few weeks. Long enough to gather Soma (a muscle relaxer, the same kind my sister euthenized herself with when I was 16), and a few other things to make recessitation impossible.
 History must be this or it is nothing. Every law which the state enacts indicates a fact in human nature; that is all. We must in ourselves see the necessary reason of every fact, - see how it could and must be.
 Better fare hard with good men than feast it with bad.
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Tue Sep 25th • 268th day of 2007
1789: The Bill of Rights, first 10 amendments to the US Constitution, are passed by Congress
1969: Academy Award winning actress Catherine Zeta Jones born in Treboeth, Wales
1981: Sandra Day O'Connor becomes first woman on US Supreme Court
2002: Vitim impact event in Siberia, Russia
 I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
 The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.
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| Why, oh why, was I dumb enough to bring my Mother into one of my Therapy Sessions??!????!?!? | 2007-07-03 16:09:21 ET |
Durden: I look around. I look around. I see a lot of new faces.
Club: [laughter]
Durden: Shut up! Which means a lot of you have been breakin' the first two rules of Fight Club. Man, I see in Fight Club the strongest and smartest men who have ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see it squandered. Goddammit, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables, slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man; no purpose or place. We have no Great War, no Great Depression. Our Great War is a spiritual war. Our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised by television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires and movie gods and rock stars. But we won't; and we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.
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| The past three months - as of may 30th (things have just gotten worse) | 2007-06-25 18:22:20 ET |
Ok, so I got dumped - very unplesently; I dislocated my right shoulder in one of (if not the most) rare forms possible, and got an accompying impaction-bruise to the bone - and of course it being after midnight I had to set it myself and drive myselfcar to the ER: I drive a stick; I was arrested for misdamenor possession and paraphanalia; my ex-roomate (thatI let stay w/ me for 10 months - rent free - and took care of her after her knee surgury) broke into my house, stole all my smoke, my easy-roller, a hand-made bamboo pipe that someone in high school gave me, my prized collection of Vampire wine, my RXs, and my computer; I went to the doctor and I'm 117lbs @ 5'9", which, with a small frame I should weigh at least 142 - I'm almost 1.5 points low on the BMI; I had my two big-toe nails surgically removed - injections to numb them were EXTREMELY painful, and didn't work all the way, because I could feel the whole procedure; and this weekend my car totally died.
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| You bet your sweet patootie! | 2007-06-09 11:26:24 ET |
Hair
"She asks me why
I'm just a hairy guy
I'm hairy noon and night
Hair that's a fright
I'm hairy high and low
Don't ask me why
Don't know
It's not for lack of break
Like the Grateful Dead
Darling
Gimme head with hair
Long beautiful hair
Shining, gleaming,
Streaming, flaxen, waxen
Give me down to there hair
Shoulder length or longer
Here baby, there mama
Everywhere daddy daddy
Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair
Let it fly in the breeze
And get caught in the trees
Give a home to the fleas in my hair
A home for fleas
A hive for bees
A nest for birds
There ain't no words
For the beauty, the splendor, the wonder
Of my...
Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair
I want it long, straight, curly, fuzzy
Snaggy, shaggy, ratty, matty
Oily, greasy, fleecy
Shining, gleaming, streaming
Flaxen, waxen
Knotted, polka-dotted
Twisted, beaded, braided
Powdered, flowered, and confettied
Bangled, tangled, spangled, and spaghettied!
Oh say can you see
My eyes if you can
Then my hair's too short
Down to here
Down to there
Down to where
It stops by itself
They'll be ga ga at the go go
When they see me in my toga
My toga made of blond
Brilliantined
Biblical hair
My hair like Jesus wore it
Hallelujah I adore it
Hallelujah Mary loved her son
Why don't my mother love me?
Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair"
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| Remember! | 2007-06-02 20:49:45 ET |
Remember now is not forever, and we fall so that we can learn to pick ourselves up.
Remember!:
"You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world. "
-S
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| Lyrics for this Morn... | 2007-05-30 22:07:01 ET |
Blue Moon -
Blue moon
You saw me standing alone
Without a dream in my heart
Without a love of my own
Blue moon
You know just what I was there for
You heard me saying a prayer for
Someone I really could care for
And then there suddenly appeared before me
The only one my arms will hold
I heard somebody whisper please adore me
And when I looked to the moon it turned to gold
Blue moon
Now Im no longer alone
Without a dream in my heart
Without a love of my own
And then there suddenly appeared before me
The only one my arms will ever hold
I heard somebody whisper please adore me
And when I looked the moon had turned to gold
Blue moon
Now Im no longer alone
Without a dream in my heart
Without a love of my own
Blue moon
Now Im no longer alone
Without a dream in my heart
Without a love of my own
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Love me, or Leave me -
Love me or leave me and let me be lonely
You wont believe me but I love you only
Id rather be lonley than happy with somebody else
You might find the night time the right time for kissing
Night time is my time for just reminiscing
Regretting instead of forgetting with somebody else
Therell be no one unless that someone is you
I intended to be independently blue
I want you love, dont wanna borrow
Have it today to give back tomorrow
Your love is my love
Theres no love for nobody else
Say, love me or leave me and let me be lonely
You wont believe me but I love you only
Id rather be lonley than happy with somebody else
You might find the night time the right time for kissing
Night time is my time for just reminiscing
Regretting instead of forgetting with somebody else
Therell be no one unless that someone is you
I intended to be independently blue
Say I want your love, dont wanna borrow
Have it today to give back tomorrow
Your love is my love
My love is your love
Theres no love for nobody else
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| Tom Waits - Rain Dogs - Title Track | 2007-05-29 19:12:06 ET |
Inside a broken clock, splashing the wine with all the rain dogs
Taxi, wed rather walk, huddle a doorway with the rain dogs
For I am a rain dog, too
Oh, how we danced and we swallowed the night
For it was all ripe for dreaming
Oh, how we danced away all of the lights
We've always been out of our minds
The rum pours strong and thin, beat out the dustman with the rain dogs
Aboard a shipwreck train, give my umbrella to the rain dogs
For I am a rain dog, too
Oh, how we danced with the rose of tralee
Her long hair black as a raven
Oh, how we danced and you whispered to me
You'll never be going back home
Oh, how we danced with the rose of tralee
Her long hair black as a raven
Oh, how we danced and you whispered to me
You'll never be going back home
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| ramblings about the world (like most of you really care, anyway) | 2007-05-28 20:37:56 ET |
Just "Be" man... when the asked me: "Who I wanted to be when I grew up?" - my answer was always "uhh.. Sam"
You shouldn't try to BE anything different than yourself. That's the problem w/ this world, it doesn't allow you to find your niche in life - and if you find it, it's damn near impossible to achieve.
7 Billion people fighting to survive on one planet is just too much. She wasn't built to sustain this kind of abuse, or rather, we weren't. Mother Earth will be fine, she's had far worse than us... We just won't be able to survive anymore.
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....Feeling ignored and forgotten, here....
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| Writing Contacts, New Piece, Blogs, Etc... | 2007-05-13 10:51:47 ET |
Well, it has been a roller-coaster lately. Things have been very up and down - 'strikes and gutters' The Dude would say...
I met some very promising writing contacts the other night, wrote a new piece (yet to be transcribed), found a bunch of old writings I had forgotten about, and have the major events of my current (other than those, and some VERY dark patches I've gone through in my process to recovery - usually alone - but I aways seem to make it to the other side...) life.
Check out my blogs if you haven't recently, and look for my piece as soon as I can get it up...
Contact me via gmail to get my contact info, if you don't have it, and get in touch with me to chat, hang out, etc... because with no computer and not being able to really drive, the cabin fever/isolation is driving me a bit batty...
-S
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| Positivity | 2007-05-09 15:57:02 ET |
I'm turning over a new leaf and focusing all my attention in my recovery (both of my dislocated shoulder w/ an impaction bruise of the bone - occured on the 18th - and my ptsd/depression/anxiety/minor ocd, etc...) and in becoming a better, more honorable and noble, and overall positive person.
Granted, the isolation caused by my lack of computer and inability to drive due to my shoulder is making it a little difficult at the moment, but I am putting all my effort into it. Also, with this, I am asking a little favour. If all those close to me could try and be a little extra supportive in this period, I would be greatly appriciative - and of course I am there for you all, as well, I hope you know. (and those I haven't heard from in a while, I would like to hear from you, I miss you all, and am in a better place to be a good friend now - and need them more - than ever)
"Peace Be With You"
-S
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| Out of contact, again. | 2007-04-30 17:08:27 ET |
Well, a friend I took in and let stay with me to get her out of a bad situation, and so she could get her knee operated on in a decent hospital (where she's from, they don't even have an MRI machine in the hospital). My sister gave her practically a whole new wardrobe, and her and some 'friends' drove down to Greensboro and broke into my house while I was over at my sister's, taking not only 4 bottles of pills and anything "fun" she could get her hands on, but the computer as well.... (She got burned by her 'so-called friends' several days later - so talk about "Instant Karma")
So, I won't be around much, for a while, so if you want to get in touch with me - you'll have to do it the "old-fassioned way", aka: phone or post. If you don't have my contact info and would like it, drop me a note at loveisthelaw@gmail.com and I will try to check it somewhat regularly and get back to you.
-S
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| How true he sums it up... | 2007-04-09 01:18:24 ET |
"In the last quarter of the twentieth century, at a time when Western civilization was declining too rapidly for comfort and yet too slowly to be very exciting, much of the world sat on the edge of an increasingly expensive theater seat, waiting-with various combinations of dread, hope and ennui-for something momentous to occur." - Still Life With Woodpecker, Tom Robbins
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| Reading Tom Robbins | 2007-04-08 13:22:32 ET |
Still Life With Woodpecker: "is sort of love story that takes place inside a pack of Camel cigarettes. It reveals the purpose of the Moon, explains the differences between criminals and outlaws, examines the conflict between social activism and romantic individualism, and paints a portrait of contemperary society that includes powerful Arabs, exiled royalty, and pregnant cheerleaders. It also deals with the problem of redheads."
..and it's good, too....
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| ...seems fitting right now... | 2007-04-05 14:38:52 ET |
Tango 'Til They're Sore
by Tom Waits
Well you play that tarantella all the hounds will start to roar
The boys all go to hell and then the Cubans hit the floor
They drive along the pipeline, they tango 'til they're sore
They take apart their nightmares and they leave them by the door
Let me fall out of the window with confetti in my hair
Deal out Jacks or Better on a blanket by the stairs
I'll tell you all my secrets, but I lie about my past
And send me off to bed for evermore
Make sure they play my theme song, I guess daisies will have to do
Just get me to New Orleans and paint shadows on the pews
Turn the spit on that pig and kick the drum and let me down
Put my clarinet beneath your bed 'til I get back in town
Let me fall out of the window with confetti in my hair
Deal out Jacks or Better on a blanket by the stairs
I'll tell you all my secrets, but I lie about my past
So send me off to bed for evermore
Just make sure she's all in calico and the color of a doll
Wave the flag on Cadillac day, and a skillet on the wall
Cut me a switch or hold your breath 'til the sun goes down
Write my name on the hood, send me off to another town, and just
And just let me fall out of the window with confetti in my hair
Deal out Jacks or Better on a blanket by the stairs
Tell you all my secrets, but I lie about my past
Will you send me off to bed for evermore
Fall out of the window with confetti in my hair
Deal out Jacks or Better on a blanket by the stairs
I'll tell you all my secrets, but I lie about my past
Send me off to bed for evermore, send me off to bed for evermore
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| ..once again... | 2007-03-25 15:42:24 ET |
Well, another relationship officially down the fucking tubes. It's like everything I touch turns to shit. It tears me up that there's one more person - that I love - to add to the list of those I've hurt. Being empathic can be such a burden at times.
"Once, if my memory serves me well, my life was a banquet where every heart revealed itself, where every wine flowed.
One evening I took Beauty in my arms - and I thought her bitter - and I insulted her.
I steeled myself against justice.
I fled. O witches, O misery, O hate, my treasure was left in your care. I have withered within me all hope. With a silent leap of a sullen beast I downed and strangled every joy.
I have called for executioners; I want to perish chewing on their gun butts. I have called for plagues, to suffocate in sand and
blood. I have laid down in the mud, and dried myself off in the crime-infested air. I have played the fool to the point of madness...." -from 'Once if my Memory Serves me Well...' by Arthur Rimbaud
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| Death of a loved one | 2007-02-16 13:01:18 ET |
To all those who have followed my life and my postings, I have to inform of the death of someone VERY close to me. Horus, my little black and white kitten, had to be put down saturday. We rushed him to the E.R. Vet, they pulled 200ccs of fluid from around his lungs (they're not sure what from) and he still had laboured breathing.
The best prognosis was if it was caused by trauma, and that still involved a $2500 surgery, and his odds were still only so-so. Everything else was fatal. So, I made the hard choice and had them put him down. The vet lady was so nice, she even let me push the plunger on the syringe, so he only got a little at a time - so he went out high and happy.
It was a VERY hard thing to do. He would ALWAYS sleep with me, under the covers, and groom my arm-hair. He was my heart, my solace. (Zaphod being my strength, my protector.) I shall miss him dearly. He would have only been two years old in March.
Though, I've seen him, at least once, since he's passed, and can still feel his "presence". I think he will always linger with me, coming and going and playing his mischief, just like Aleister still does. That is at least somewhat comforting.
Horus II
R.I.P.
3/05-2/07
"One of the sweetest ever born"
I love you, my little boy, and I miss you like crazy. I was there when you were born - I delivered you, and I was there when you passed from this world - I "pulled the plug". Your life brought happiness and joy into mine, and nothing will ever fill the void you left. Always remeber how much I love you, and never forget me.
Oh! The pain of having your children go before you.
-S
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| It's Alright Ma (I'm Only Bleeding) | 2007-01-20 13:56:21 ET |
"Disillusioned words like bullets bark
As human gods aim for their mark
Made everything from toy guns that spark
To flesh-colored Christs that glow in the dark
It's easy to see without looking too far
That not much
Is really sacred."
-Bob Dylan
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| Lack of "Eternal Return" | 2007-01-16 18:24:07 ET |
"We can never know what to want, because, living only one life, we can neither compare it with our previous lives nor perfect it in our lives to come" - Milan Kundera in 'The Unbearable Lightness of Being'
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| Quotes to Cleanse the Soul | 2006-12-30 11:44:17 ET |
"Hold together Jack, pass, pass through everything, and everything is one dream, one appearance, one flash, one sad eye, one crystal lucid mystery, one word...be---be---be the infinite fertilities of the one mind of infinity, make no comments, complaints, criticisms, apraisals, avowels, sayings, just flow, flow, be you all, be you what it is, it is only what it always is---Hope is a word like a snowdrift---This is the great knowing, this is awakening, this is voidness--- So shut up, live, travel, adventure, bless and don't be sorry...And you have been forever, and will be forever, and all the worrisome smashings of your foot on innocent cupboard doors, it was only the void pretending to be a man, pretending not to know the void." - J. Kerouac from 'Desolation Angels'
"It is by will alone I set my mind in motion. It is by the juice of sapho that thoughts acquire speed, the lips acquire stains, the stains become a warning. It is by will alone I set my mind in motion. " -'Mentat's Mantra' from Dune, film by David Lynch
|
| repost from myspace | 2006-12-25 02:13:42 ET |
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Appologies to all
Current mood: guilty :(
Category: Life
I want to take the time to make heartfelt appologies to all those I've hurt in any way (especiallly in the past few months/year - or at any other point in time for that matter.) I know I have been rather stupid in my decisions, neglectful in my responsibilities - both in my general life but also greatly in my private life - and to be blunt, a right ass at times.
My mental state had been seriously declining - culminating to 3 days of sleep, no food, barely any hydration (to the point of danger - I was found by Brittany, in bed, soaked with sweat, and with parched lips so bad she had to pick the dead black skin off), and finally ending up in me being hospitalized.
The whole experience opened my eyes to a lot of things and taught me valuable lessons, most importantly: how badly I need help. I cannot fix my problems all by my self (which, admittedly is a blow to my ego, but my health and sanity are important enough for me to deal with such a triviality, in comparrison), I need to actively seek professional help, and try my hardest to deal with my stressors one by one.
I have not meant to be uncaring, neglectful, to burn any bridges, to alienate anyone: especially those I am close to. I haven't exactly been in my right mind lately, and admit that it made me act quite poorly. I am now actively trying to get help and to get well again, and optimistic about it. It's always darkest before the dawn.
Again, I am terribly sorry for any way I've concerned, hurt, or mistreated anyone latelty. I am trying to get better and to be a better person. I may still be slighly/occasionally incommunicado while I get back on my feet and stable again, but as I get better I should be slightly less agoraphobic/socially anxious I should have less trouble dealing with people and be able to resume social activities such as going out, visiting and talking on the phone.
Once again, I appologize and will try my hardest in the future to be a more stable, reliable, conciderate friend and person in general.
(Entry started aprox. 4pm Dec 13th)
Currently listening :
Orff: Carmina Burana
By Carl Orff
Release date: By 25 October, 1990
|
| Smash myself to pieces.... | 2006-12-10 11:28:58 ET |
"Perfect little dream the kind that hurts the most
Forgot how it feels, well almost
No one to blame always the same
Open my eyes, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up in flames
It took you to make me realize
It took you to make me realize
It took you to make me realize
It took you to make me see the light
Smashed up my sanity
Smashed up my integrity
Smashed up what I believed in
Smashed up what's left of me
Smashed up my everything
Smashed up all that was true
Gonna smash myself to pieces
I don't know what else to do
Covered in hope and vaseline
Still cannot fix this broken machine
Watching the hole it used to be mine
Just watching it burn in my steady systematic decline
Of the trust I will betray
Give it to me, I throw it away
After everything I've done I hate myself for what I've become
It took you to make me realize
It took you to make me realize
It took you to make me realize
It took you to make me see the light
Smashed up my sanity
Smashed up my integrity
Smashed up what I believed in
Smashed up what's left of me
Smashed up my everything
Smashed up all that was true
Gonna smash myself to pieces
I don't know what else to do
I tried
I gave up (x5)
Throw it away
Smashed up my sanity
Smashed up my integrity
Smashed up what i believed in
Smashed up what's left of me
Smashed up my everything
Smashed up all that was true
Gonna smash myself to pieces
I don't know what else to do"
-T. Reznor
|
| the quote for the day/month/year/whatever.... | 2006-12-09 14:59:51 ET |
"Can you give me sanctuary
I must find a place to hide
A place for me to hide
Can you find me soft asylum
I can't make it anymore
The Man is at the door"
-JDM
If I happen to dissapear with out a goodbye, I would like to say to everyone who's read through these twisted ramblings, that I appriciate the times you have come with me - on this crazy, manic-depressive journey - and that I shall miss you all. I wish things would have gone better, and that I would have grown/stayed closer to you all. So, from my bastion of isolation, I wish you all a fond (tenitive<sp?) farewell.<BR>
"I bless you all living things. I bless you in the Infinite Past, I bless you in the Infinite Present, I Bless you in the Infinite Future" -J. Kerouac
"You must BE the Change you wish to see in this World!" -Gandhi
May the Peace and the Love of the Dharma bless you, keep you, and teach you Truth.
-Samuel
loveisthelaw@gmail.com
http://prophetsamuel.tripod.com
http://prophetsam.blogspot.com/
http://www.frappr.com/thegreatcultofsamuel
|
| away for a bit, please read... | 2006-08-26 10:16:16 ET |
Well, I shall be away for a bit, not sure how often I'll be getting online. I had a MAJOR system failure and it might take me quite some time to get back up and running. Untill then, drop me a line at my OLD-FASSIONED contact info: address, phone, etc... or drop me a line at loveisthelaw@gmail.com if you need any of it.
Hope to talk to you all soon.
"I bless you all living things. I bless you in the Infinite Past, I bless you in the Infinite Present, I Bless you in the Infinite Future" -J. Kerouac
"You must BE the Change you wish to see in this World!" -Gandhi
May the Peace and the Love of the Dharma bless you, keep you, and teach you Truth.
-Samuel
http://prophetsamuel.tripod.com
http://prophetsam.blogspot.com/
http://www.frappr.com/thegreatcultofsamuel
|
| yay and boo | 2006-08-15 11:12:54 ET |
Well, on the positive side, it looks as if eviction and having the power shut off was averted for another month.
On the down side, been TOTALLY blown off by someone I thought was a friend - perhaps more - who I was supposed to spend time on my birthday this thursday, and to top it off, I am sick. What wonderful times.
Oh, I'm getting ideas for new stories, I just hope I can keep going long enough to get them all out. Such wonderful sci-fi in my head these days, I really need to catch a break from the stress so I can start getting it all down.
Well, my head hurts, I'm going to lay down. Ta...
-S
|
| pre-birthday blues - quarter century on the 17th.... | 2006-08-12 08:36:16 ET |
Paul Simon
You Can Call Me Al
"A man walks down the street
He says why am I soft in the middle now
Why am I soft in the middle
The rest of my life is so hard
I need a photo-opportunity
I want a shot at redemption
Dont want to end up a cartoon
In a cartoon graveyard
Bonedigger bonedigger
Dogs in the moonlight
Far away my well-lit door
Mr. beerbelly beerbelly
Get these mutts away from me
You know I dont find this stuff amusing anymore
If youll be my bodyguard
I can be your long lost pal
I can call you betty
And betty when you call me
You can call me al
A man walks down the street
He says why am I short of attention
Got a short little span of attention
And wo my nights are so long
Wheres my wife and family
What if I die here
Wholl be my role-model
Now that my role-model is
Gone gone
He ducked back down the alley
With some roly-poly little bat-faced girl
All along along
There were incidents and accidents
There were hints and allegations
If youll be my bodyguard
I can be your long lost pal
I can call you betty
And betty when you call me
You can call me al
Call me al
A man walks down the street
Its a street in a strange world
Maybe its the third world
Maybe its his first time around
He doesnt speak the language
He holds no currency
He is a foreign man
He is surrounded by the sound
The sound
Cattle in the marketplace
Scatterlings and orphanages
He looks around, around
He sees angels in the architecture
Spinning in infinity
He says amen! and hallelujah!
If youll be my bodyguard
I can be your long lost pal
I can call you betty
And betty when you call me
You can call me al
Call me al"
|
| should I just change my name? | 2006-08-09 12:38:49 ET |
Ok, fair warning. This is going to be a rant, probably containing at least some self-pity.
Ok, so, with as much rejection and "Dear Johns..." I get - letters, IMs, e-mails, phonecalls, you name it... I'm thinking I should just change my name to John. Well, though, I'm not one for soliciting prostitutes, so maybe that won't work out, but something... heh.
So, what I hate, is this whole "mixed signals", "leading you on" deal... That's one of my biggest pet peeves. I know not everything can be controled, but at least try to not get my hopes up and then dash them. Am I wrong, is that too much to ask?
"Celia, youre breaking my heart
Youre shaking my confidence daily
Oh, cecilia, Im down on my knees
Im begging you please to come home
Celia, youre breaking my heart
Youre shaking my confidence daily
Oh, cecilia, Im down on my knees
Im begging you please to come home
Come on home
Making love in the afternoon with cecilia
Up in my bedroom (making love)
I got up to wash my face
When I come back to bed
Someones taken my place
Celia, youre breaking my heart
Youre shaking my confidence daily
Oh, cecilia, Im down on my knees
Im begging you please to come home
Come on home...." - Simon and Garfunkle
|
| King Solomon never lived round here..... | 2006-08-05 08:04:14 ET |
Straight to Hell
The Clash
"If you can play on the fiddle
Hows about a british jig and reel?
Speaking kings english in quotation
As railhead towns feel the steel mills rust water froze
In the generation
Clear as winter ice
This is your paradise
There aint no need for ya
Go straight to hell boys
Ywanna join in a chorus
Of the amerasian blues?
When its christmas out in ho chi minh city
Kiddie say papa papa papa papa-san take me home
See me got photo photo
Photograph of you
Mamma mamma mamma-san
Of you and mamma mamma mamma-san
Lemme tell ya bout your blood bamboo kid.
It aint coca-cola its rice.
Straight to hell
Oh papa-san
Please take me home
Oh papa-san
Everybody they wanna go home
So mamma-san says
You wanna play mind-crazed banjo
On the druggy-drag ragtime u.s.a.?
In parkland international
Hah! junkiedom u.s.a.
Where procaine proves the purest rock man groove
And rat poison
The volatile molatov says-
Pssst...
Hey chico we got a message for ya...
Vamos vamos muchacho
From alphabet city all the way a to z, dead, head
Go straight to hell
Can you really cough it up loud and strong
The immigrants
They wanna sing all night long
It could be anywhere
Most likely could be any frontier
Any hemisphere
No mans land and there aint no asylum here
King solomon he never lived round here
Go straight to hell boys"
|
| Sometimes things just feel this way.... | 2006-08-03 16:58:20 ET |
Mile End
by Pulp
"We didn't have nowhere to live,
we didn't have nowhere to go
til someone said
"I know this place off Burditt Road."
It was on the fifteenth floor,
it had a board across the door.
It took an hour
to prise it off and get inside.
It smelt as if someone had died;
the living room was full of flies,
the kitchen sink was blocked,
the bathroom sink not there at all.
Ooh, it's a mess alright,
yes it's
Mile End.
And now we're living in the sky
I never thought I'd live so high,
just like Heaven,
if it didn't look like Hell.
The lift is always full of piss,
the fifth floor landing smells of fish
not just on Friday,
every single other day.
Below the kids come out tonight,
they kick a ball and have a fight
and maybe shoot somebody if they lose at pool.
Ooh,
it's a mess alright,
yes it's
Mile End.
Nobody wants to be your friend
cos you're not from round here, ooh
as if that was
something to be proud about.
The pearly king of the Isle of Dogs
feels up children in the bogs.
Down by the playing fields,
someone sets a car on fire
I guess you have to go right down
before you understand just how,
how low,
how low a human being can go.
Ooh,
it's a mess alright,
yes it's
Mile End."
|
| The only time.... | 2006-08-02 13:09:41 ET |
The Only Time
- T. Reznor
"Im drunk.
And right now Im so in love with you.
And I dont want to think too much about what we should or shouldnt do.
Lay my hands on heaven and the sun and the moon and the stars.
While the devil wants to fuck me in the back of his car.
Nothing quite like the feel of something new.
Maybe Im all messed up.
Maybe Im all messed up.
Maybe Im all messed up in you.
Maybe Im all messed up.
Maybe Im all messed up.
Maybe Im all messed up.
Maybe Im all messed up in you.
Maybe Im all messed up.
This is the only time I really feel alive.
This is the only time I really feel alive.
I swear.
I just found everything I need.
The sweat in your eyes the blood in your veins are listening to me.
Well I want to drink it up and swim in it until I drown.
My moral standing is lying down.
Nothing quite like the feel of something new.
Maybe Im all messed up.
Maybe Im all messed up.
Maybe Im all messed up in you.
Maybe Im all messed up.
Maybe Im all messed up.
Maybe Im all messed up.
Maybe Im all messed up in you.
Maybe Im all messed up.
This is the only time I really feel alive.
This is the only time I really feel alive.
I cant help thinking christ never had it like this"
|
| Ain't No Sunshine... | 2006-07-21 13:52:35 ET |
"Ain't no sunshine when she's gone.
It's not warm when she's away.
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
And she's always gone too long anytime she goes away.
Wonder this time where she's gone,
Wonder if she's gone to stay
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
And this house just ain't no home anytime she goes away.
And I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know
Hey, I ought to leave the young thing alone,
But ain't no sunshine when she's gone, only darkness everyday.
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone,
And this house just ain't no home anytime she goes away.
Anytime she goes away.
Anytime she goes away.
Anytime she goes away.
Anytime she goes away."
|
| more, lol | 2006-07-20 15:45:09 ET |
Your Love Style is Eros
For you, love is all about the passion!
And chances are, you're currently in love.
You have a strong physical response to love...
And you are great at committing
(As long as the person makes your toes curl!)
What's Your Love Style?
[url]http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyourlovestylequiz/[/url]
You Are Scary
You even scare scary people sometimes!
How Scary Are You?
[url]http://www.blogthings.com/howscaryareyouquiz/[/url]
Your Deadly Sins
Pride: 60%
Envy: 40%
Gluttony: 40%
Greed: 40%
Lust: 40%
Sloth: 40%
Wrath: 20%
Chance You'll Go to Hell: 40%
You will die from faulty botox injection.
How Sinful Are You?
[url]http://www.blogthings.com/howsinfulareyouquiz/[/url]
You're 80% Irish
Congratulations, you're a shining example of an Irish lass (or lad).
There's hardly anyone more Irish than you!
How Irish Are You?
[url]http://www.blogthings.com/howirishareyouquiz/[/url]
What Your Face Says
At first glance, people see you as driven and ambitious.
Overall, your true self is passive and thoughtful.
With friends, you seem dramatic, lively, and quick to react.
In love, you seem energetic - almost manic.
In stressful situations, you seem cheerful and optimistic.
What Do People Think Of Your Face?
[url]http://www.blogthings.com/whatdopeoplethinkofyourfacequiz/[/url]
You are 100% Leo
How Leo Are You?
[url]http://www.blogthings.com/howleoareyouquiz/[/url]
Your Personality Is Like Ecstasy
You're usually feeling the love for the world around you - you want to hug everyone.
And while you're usually content to sit back and view the world with wonder...
Sometimes you're world becomes very overwhelming and a little scary.
What Drug Is Your Personality Like?
[url]http://www.blogthings.com/whatdrugisyourpersonalitylikequiz/[/url]
|
| I dig these.. hehe | 2006-07-20 11:24:07 ET |
Your Seduction Style: Fantasy Lover
You know that ideal love that each of us dreams of from childhood? That's you!
Not because you posess all of the ideal characteristics, but because you are a savvy shape shifter.
You have the uncanny ability to detect someone's particular fantasy... and make it you.
You inspire each person to be an idealist and passionate, and you make each moment memorable
Even a simple coffee date with you can be the most romantic moment of someone's life
By giving your date exactly what he or she desires, you quickly become the ideal lover.
Your abilities to make dreams come true is so strong, that you are often the love of many people's lives.
Your ex's (and even people you have simply met or been friends with) long to be yours.
No doubt you are the one others have dreamed of... your biggest challenge is finding *your* dream lover.
What Kind of Seducer Are You?
[url]http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofseducerareyouquiz/[/url]
You Are 76% Gentleman
You are definitely a gentleman. You're very considerate and you have excellent manners.
Occasionally, you slip and do something foolish... but usually no one notices!
Are You A Gentleman?
[url]http://www.blogthings.com/areyouagentlemanquiz/[/url]
You strive to please others and compromise anyway you can.
War or conflict bothers you, and you would do anything to keep the peace.
You are a good mediator and a true negotiator.
Sometimes you do too much, trying so hard to make people happy.
While you keep the peace, you tend to be secretly judgmental.
You lose respect for people who don't like to both give and take.
On the flip side, you've got a graet sense of humor and wit.
You're always dimplomatic and able to give good advice.
Souls you are most compatible with: Warrior Soul, Hunter Soul and Visionary Soul
What Kind of Soul Are You?
[url]http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofsoulareyouquiz/[/url]
You Are a Freedom Rocker!
You're stuck in the 70s - for better or worse
Crazy hair, pot soaked clothes, and tons of groupies
Your kind showed the world how to rock
Is that freedom rock?... Well turn it up man!
What Kind of Rocker Are You?
[url]http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofrockerareyouquiz/[/url]
You Are An INFP
The Idealist
You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world.
Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships.
It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close.
But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop.
You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.
What's Your Personality Type?
[url]http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyourpersonalitytypequiz/[/url]
You Are a Coy Flirt
You may not seem like you're flirting, but you know exactly what you're doing.
You draw people in, very calculatingly, without them even knowing.
Subtle and understated, you know how to best leverage your sex appeal.
A sexy enigma, you easily become an object of obsession.
What Kind of Flirt Are You?
[url]http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofflirtareyouquiz/[/url]
|
| what I am, apparently... | 2006-07-18 11:32:30 ET |
|
| ....make this all go away.... | 2006-07-13 03:36:36 ET |
Something I Can Never Have
- T. Reznor
It's still recall the taste of my tears.
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.
Scraping through my head till I dont want to sleep anymore.
Come on tell me.
Make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
Im down to just one thing.
And Im starting to scare myself.
Make this all go away.
You make this all go way.
I just want something.
I just want something I can never have
You always were the one to show me how
Back then I couldnt do the things that I can do now.
This is slowly take me apart.
Grey would be the color if I had a heart.
I just want something I can never have.
In this place it seems like such a same.
Though it all looks different now,
I know its still the same
Everywhere I look youre all I see.
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be.
Come on tell me.
Make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
Im down to just one thing.
And Im starting to scare myself.
Make this all go away.
You make this all go way.
I just want something.
I just want something I can never have
I just want something I can never have
Think I know what you meant.
That night on my bed.
Still picking at this scab
I wish you were dead.
You sweet and perry ellis.
Just stains on my sheets.
|
| Syncronisity can piss you off... | 2006-07-09 23:51:33 ET |
...ok... see, I got this very positive, syncronistic, harmonious, and spiritual Tarot reading (on a Thoth deck, none the less) by someone just sitting on the street-corner, before everything went all to shit, spiriling me down into my suicidal depression.
Now, since then, it seems as if there is almost some 'protective force' that is not allowing me to harm myself. I have had one similar instance of something like this - though it was a bit more dramatic.
This is both frustrating, disconcerting, and somewhat slightly uplifting at the same time. It gives one hope that there is a purpose for one's existance, that one is - at least somewhat - on the right path.
On the other hand, enviornmental situations don't seem to get better. In fact, they can seem to get worse. How does one reconcile their spiritual 'calling' with their apparent faliure in the 'material world' -which is, unfortunatly, nessicary for survival?
....yeah, sorry... I get ultra-philosophical when I get in these moods....
-S
|
| I tried, I gave up | 2006-07-08 13:48:31 ET |
Nine Inch Nails
Gave Up
perfect little dream
the kind that hurts the most
forgot how it feels
well almost
no one to blame
always the same
open my eyes
wake up
wake up
wake up in flames
it took you
to make me realize
it took you
to make me realize
it took you
to make me realize
it took you
to make me see the light
smashed up my sanity
smashed up my integrity
smashed up what i believed in
smashed up what's left of me
smashed up my everything
smashed up all that was true
gonna smash myself to pieces
i don't know what else to do
covered in hope and vaseline
still cannot fix this broken machine
watching the hole it used to be mine
just watching it burn in my steady systematic decline
of the trust i will betray
give it to me i throw it away
after everything i've done i hate myself for what i\'ve become
smashed up my sanity
smashed up my integrity
smashed up what i believed in
smashed up what's left of me
smashed up my everything
smashed up all that was true
gonna smash myself to pieces
i don't know what else to do
i tried
i gave up
i tried
i gave up
i tried
i gave up
throw it away
...this may be goodbye, so if this is, I just want to say - I have enjoyed most of you, very much! Thank you for everything. Some of you, especially, have enriched my life, in ways you could never imagine. May life bring you the peace and happiness which has so eluded me. I am sorry, with many of you, that we never became closer.
...if, by some fluke, anyone wants to try to contact me, beforehand, or wants an update on the situation, here is my contact info that might be worth trying..... (plus, if you see me on - even if away - it also might be worth trying me on the messenger programs.)
C. Samuel Safran
2506 Spring Garden St.
Greensboro, NC
27403
(336)547-8714
taliesin@bellsouth.net
or loveisthelaw@gmail.com
http://prophetsamuel.tripod.com
http://prophetsam.blogspot.com/
http://www.frappr.com/thegreatcultofsamuel
|
| The song to fit today's mood.... | 2006-06-17 09:47:20 ET |
"Through early morning fog I see
visions of the things to be
the pains that are withheld for me
I realize and I can see...
That suicide is painless
it brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.
I try to find a way to make
all our little joys relate
without that ever-present hate
but now I know that it's to late, and...
Suicide is painless
it brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.
The game of life is hard to play
I'm going to lose it anyway
the losing card I'll someday lay
so this is all I have to say
That suicide is painless
it brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.
The only way to win is cheat
and lay it down before I'm beat
and to another give my seat
for that's the only painless feat
Suicide is painless
it brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.
The sword of time will pierce our skins
it doesn't hurt when it begins
but as it works its way on in
the pain grows stronger...watch it grin but...
Suicide is painless
it brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.
A brave man once requested me
to answer questions that are key
is it to be or not to be
and I replied 'oh why ask me?'
'Cause suicide is painless
it brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please
...and you can do the same thing if you please."
Suicidie Is Painless,
Theme to the move M*A*S*H, and theme music (without the words) to the show of the same title.
|
| You got that right! | 2006-05-18 10:06:30 ET |
|
| Health Status Update.... | 2006-05-18 06:30:50 ET |
Well, I just got back from the ER... Finally went for my fall off the ladder. Was still in so much pain, and deep pain, that I thought I might have damaged a lung or pulmonary vessle, or something, or broken something important....
The X-Rays came back I'm unbroken, even my toe... and my lungs and heart look good, they say....
They gave me a Vicodin while I was there, and a perscription for twenty 30mg Codine Sulfate tabs (which the Nurse says are probably stronger, comparably, to Vicodin).
Hmm, It just occured to me, looking at them, that they're quite small enough to snort, and perfect size for booting.... such bad thoughts I have, lol! Evil Sam. =P
|
| Wiki's VERY BEAUTIFL Image of the Day | 2006-05-17 13:18:38 ET |
|
| I'm a rebel... hehe | 2006-05-15 12:09:28 ET |
What Your Underwear Says About You
You're a total rebel who doesn't conform to any rules. P.S. - It's a jungle down there!
You're also way too lazy to do your laundry more than a few times a year.
The Underwear Oracle
[url]http://www.blogthings.com/theunderwearoracle/[/url]
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| Read it! | 2006-05-13 11:33:17 ET |
So, how many of you read my story? If not, follow the links and read it, damnit!!!
Read my last entry, too... hehe
http://prophetsamuel.tripod.com
-S
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| Well.... | 2006-05-12 22:45:54 ET |
I fell off a ladder three days ago, painting the ceiling at my sister's... Well, the ladder actually tipped over, so I landed full force with all my weight onto the foot-pad of the ladder, hitting it with my right breast-plate. (I thought I was going to break my chest, sternum, or ribs; as well as thinking I was going to end up going head-long down the stairs). I also broke at least one toe on my left foot.
On the happy note, I got the issue of Zoo Nation that I'm published in sent to me, Royal Post, in the mail yesterday... Yay!!
So, on my page I have links where you can read the story and whatnot.... but to get a copy of the actual publication, send an e-mail asking for one to peter.a.young@macunlimited.net (or write 62 Walmer Road, Woodley, Berkshire RG5 4PN, England) ....don't say I'm a friend, just something along the lines that you heard good things about a story by a "C. Samuel Safran" in the most recent edition of Zoo Nation and heard good things about the publication in general, and would very much like a copy...
http://prophetsamuel.tripod.com
-S
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| le sigh | 2006-05-02 10:04:30 ET |
Well, yesterday I finally talked to Vicki, the ex-fiancee. She's matured enough that she regrets her abuse towards me, and is eternally thankful for my understanding, and realizes that if she would have went through such bad times alone - or with someone else - she would have NEVER made it through it.
This would be the perfect point for reconcilliation, which I've always wanted.
One problem, I'm a week too late. Apparently the guy she just started dating failed to mention that he had Herpes. She's going through her first outbreak. She's lost all hope, as well as losing all faith in everything. It breaks my heart.
In other news, my life has been stressfull, tedious, and depressing lately. I guess that's just the icing on the cake. fun, fun.
-S
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| Benediction | 2006-04-15 04:06:48 ET |
Depression, Lonliness, Heartbreak,
Oh, how I've known thee for too long.
Give me back my own heart
Release my soul from thy icy black grip of your torment.
Hurl myself apon your stones,
Break my bones,
and pray for Benediction.
Be you Fact or Fiction
You're my Addiction
Cast myself down
and pray for Benediction.
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| so... | 2006-03-22 02:21:40 ET |
So, yesterday was the 9yr anniverserary of my sister's suicide. Slept most of the day. Which means, of course, I get to do the dealing with it today. Fun shit, let me tell you....
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| "US in U-Turn Over Gulf War Syndrome" | 2006-03-21 15:27:44 ET |
"From 'New Scientist' - Nov, 2004."
"It now appears there was plenty of sarin about. The US Department of Defense told a Senate investigation in 1994 that each of the 14,000 chemical weapons alarms around the troops went off on average two or three times a day during allied aerial bombardment of Iraq - a total of between 1 and 2 million alarms. "All alarms were said to be false," James Tuite, a consultant to the investigation, told the Lloyd inquiry. But UN inspectors later found Iraqi chemical weapons dumps damaged by bombing, upwind of the Kuwait-Saudi border - where troops were most likely to later become ill (see map).
In particular,the blowing up of a large chemical weapons dump at Khamisiyah in March 1991 - after the fighting was over and chemical weapons detectors had been removed - created a plume of gas, which would have contained sarin and which could have affected at least 100,000 Allied soldiers, possibly far more. A Congressional study released in June this year found that the plume was "significantly higher" (taller) than the DoD claimed in its analysis in 2000, so the chemicals in it could have drifted over a wider area. Meanwhile, it found that two epidemiological surveys based on that analysis, which found no ill health linked to sarin exposure, were fundamentally flawed. The VA agreed. The UK's prime minister, Tony Blair, has stated that there is no use holding an official government inquiry - which Lloyd's was not - until all the research is in. Gulf war veterans say that now may be time."
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| Hrm.... | 2006-03-20 13:07:11 ET |
I want my copies of 'Zoo Nation' to come in the mail so I can see what kind of Publication my work will be printed in. Damn Trans-Atlantic shipping! Oh well, off to go run some errands, and come home and do some job-hunting online... fun shit....
Ooo! Just remebered I have at least half a bottle of wine left, maybe I'll reward myself if I have I get a good list of places to go for tommorrow, and fax off a good share of Resumes.... Can't reward myself too much, though, have to be up early tommorow morning. yuck.
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| whoa... | 2006-03-19 12:26:49 ET |
I just got this wave of anxiety out of nowhere. I mean, yeah, I'm stressed as hell and all, but this was like more than usual and out of nowhere. hmm... odd.
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| ...well.... | 2006-03-19 09:55:17 ET |
I got the reply on my edited copy I sent off for publishing. He dug it -did some 'copy editing', which always pisses me off, though.
I woke up feeling especially lonely, let down, and depressed today. Anxiety level running high.
Bad dreams, I remember that much....
Days like today are what make me want to just give up....
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| Happy St. Patrick's Day! | 2006-03-17 15:38:17 ET |
Here's a few 'Traditional Irish Toasts' for you...
Here's to me, and here's to you, And here's to love and laughter- I'll be true as long as you, And not one moment after.
Here's to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one.
A pretty girl and an honest one.
A cold beer - and another one!
May you live to be a hundred years, with one extra year to repent.
Here's to our wives and girlfriends: May they never meet!
"Well did you ever make colcannon, made with lovely thickened cream
With the greens & scallions mingled like a picture in a dream
Did you ever make a hole on top to hold the melting flake
Of the creamy flavoured butter that your mother used to make
Oh you did, so you did, so did he and so did I
And the more I think about it sure the nearer I'm to cry
Oh weren't they the happy days when troubles we knew not
And our mother made colcannon in the little skillet pot"
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| deadline is near, pressure is on.... | 2006-03-17 14:05:17 ET |
:::rocks back and forth:::: "must edit story, must edit story, must edit story, must edit story....."
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| Ha! | 2006-03-13 12:06:52 ET |
Screw you all! I posted my story in several LJ communities (including two Philip K Dick ones) and have ALREADY recieved an e-mail asking my permission for publication in a Fanzine. Haha, who needs you guys?! =P Silly SKers.
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| A story for all you PKD - Philip K Dick - fans out there. | 2006-03-12 19:14:05 ET |
Fond Memories of Horselover Fat
It had been five years since Fat had died. As I sit here listening to Chopin and drown myself in red wine, my thoughts keep drifting back to him. Our conversations together, how we met when I was just a kid - anxious to meet the craziest (and according to some, greatest) writers of our time. Our generation's Kafka, or Hesse.
I used to argue with him that there was too much coincidence between Jim, Jimmi, and Janis all leaving us in a matter of years, Leary in jail, and the White & Black Panther party - as well as the Weathermen - all but totally disbanded. Too much "containment" in too little time.
"Cool it!" Fat used to say. "Just roll us another number and just calm down. You're Paranoia stresses even ME out."
"Damn, Fat. Hearing something like that from someone as Paranoid as YOU really does make me feel a bit nuts, thanks."
"Always glad to help, Slim. Just keep rolling us those numbers, and putting your Paranoia's down in your stories, and you'll turn out just fine."
You know, the usual back and forth, you get the picture. God how I miss those conversations. Him lecturing me on smoking too much, me lecturing him on taking too much snuff. Sharing stories about our felines and our checking out girls - or 'Cat-Watching' as he liked to call it. A hobby we both shared with a passion. Those days are over now, and melancholy settles in. I wonder, though, if he could see the number of bodies so far, would he call me so Paranoid?
Horselover Fat, dead in his fifties. Here we are, at the height of the Regan Era, with one of the greatest champions of the Nixon overthrow now dead for half a decade. Dead, by a stroke and eventual heart failure - the two most common forms of assassination (minus 'Staged Suicide', of course). Ronnie and Gorby are buddies now. Deals with Red China, and blind-eyes turned to the atrocities in Tibet. Selling weapons to Iran and Iraq, so they can kill each other - all to fund our little 'Drug Ventures' in South America.
Fat was right, Stalin opened the door for the conversion of the USSR from Communism to Fascism, and we fell right in line - all under the guise of 'National Security', of course. In a 'Cold War', what's going on isn't nearly as obvious as in a real War, so more things can be 'gotten over' on the public, who don't and can't pay as much attention. No one noticed as the US became a Fascist police state, as Russia did. No one noticed as our "Authorities" turned into the KGB. Like a 'change-over' on a projection reel, no one notices the difference.
Tagore is nowhere to be found, and it seems as if Zebra/Valis/whatever is no longer making contact. Transmissions from Albemuth have been cut off. Any progress that was made seems to be lost. We are once more alone, and without a Prophet, or a Sibyl. No more Divine help for the Republic. Our losses have been great. The King, Kennedy brothers, Malcolm X, and now John Lennon assassinations. The passing - possible assassination - of Horselover Fat. Who, then, are we to look to? From whence shall our Hope and Salvation come? Yes, we can break down the "Black Iron Prison", but not until we're awakened. Who is to open the eyes of the masses?
Certainly not me. I'm neurotic, of a sensitive constitution, and a giant coward to top it all off. Granted, though, Fat didn't exactly ASK for the job, either. He certainly had his share of issues, and phobias. Why does "IT" choose the neurotic, sickly ones? Is it because we are more sensitive, so pick up on the 'Message' better? Or, perhaps, it's because we are "ill", it uses that fact, driving us to feel that we must heal the World to heal Ourselves.
If it is supposed to be me, though, I'm certainly not getting any signals. Perhaps my job, my place, is just to watch for them. To alert others to the possibility that they exist. Whatever it may be, I try my best and hope that Salvation comes before we go too far to be saved, or destroy ourselves.
In a way, I guess `ol Horselover got off easy. He could have never watched us loose so much of what we tried to win back. Even if they hadn't killed him, Fat's ticker couldn't have handled seeing how things have turned out. One thing saddens me, though, about the whole thing. I know how much he was looking forward to Future, the new Millennia. May it be everything he dreamed it would be.
- Zebrahunter Slim
August, 1987
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| well.... | 2006-03-11 13:59:13 ET |
Well, I just typed up a big, long philosophical post, but it all got lost. Shit. I SO don't feel like typing it all up again. maybe later... "I am tired, and I am weary. Well, I could sleep for a thousand years" - 'Venus in Furs', Velvet Underground.
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| joy | 2006-03-10 16:38:21 ET |
Woke up to a Sherrif pounding on my front door, this morning. Fun shit....
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| Saving the World CAN be Fun and Games! | 2006-03-03 14:17:15 ET |
Help Yingsel the Rangzen Antelope Escape!
http://actionnetwork.org/ct/v7_yLr41NXIP/Yingsel-escapes-
http://blog.studentsforafreetibet.org/games/yingsel1/
The Winter Games in Turin are now over and all eyes have turned to Beijing. A two-week hunger strike by Palden Gyatso, one of Tibet's longest serving political prisoners, and two young Tibetan men, outside the Turin Olympic Village, forced the issue of Tibet and human rights onto the agenda of the International Olympic Committee. The IOC has now agreed to follow-up on the concerns expressed by the hunger strikers.
In order to continue building momentum for China's 2008 Summer Olympics, SFT has launched a fun new video game, featuring Yingsel the Rangzen Antelope. Yingsel is a Tibetan antelope who was captured by the Chinese authorities, renamed “Yingying,” and forced to be one of the “Friendlies” - the Beijing Olympic mascots. By playing this game you can help Yingsel escape so that she can return to Tibet and become a powerful freedom fighter!
Please spread the word about Yingsel the Rangzen Antelope. Encourage your friends and family to play the video game and post links to it on websites and blogs. Click here to play now!
http://actionnetwork.org/ct/v7_yLr41NXIP/Yingsel-escapes-
http://blog.studentsforafreetibet.org/games/yingsel1/
How to play? You are Yingsel. Use the cursor keys to navigate the maze. Eat the power-up momos* and use your Rangzen* power to defeat Jingjing the Cybercop. Collect all the tsampa* dots to win your freedom.
* Rangzen is the Tibetan word for “self-sovereignty” or independence.
* Momos are popular Tibetan dumplings.
* Jingjing is one of two ridiculous cartoons which appear on the Internet in China to "remind" users not to break the law.
* Tsampa is roasted barley flour and a staple of the Tibetan diet.
http://actionnetwork.org/ct/v7_yLr41NXIP/Yingsel-escapes-
http://blog.studentsforafreetibet.org/games/yingsel1/
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| How beautiful a quote.... | 2006-03-02 23:32:51 ET |
“—Hold together, Jack, pass through everything, and everything is one dream, one appearance, one flash, one sad eye, one crystal lucid mystery, one word—Hold still, man, regain your love of life and go down from this mountain and simply be—be—be the infinite fertilities of the one mind of infinity, make no comments, complaints, criticisms, appraisals, avowals, sayings, shooting stars of thought, just flow, flow, be you all, be you what is, it is only what it always is—Hope is a word like a snow-drift—This is the Great Knowing, this is the Awakening, this is Voidness—So shut up, live, travel, adventure, bless and don’t be sorry—Prunes, prune, eat your prunes—And you have been forever, and will be forever, and all the worrisome smashings of your foot on innocent cupboard doors it was only the Void pretending to be a man pretending not to know the Void—” Jack Kerouac
Desolation Angels
(1965)
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| The TRUE Facts of Life..... (or, Nobody's Perfect) | 2006-03-02 13:35:09 ET |
"Then again there is no perfection of materials; there will
always be errors and weaknesses, and the man who wins through is the
man who manages to carry on with a defective engine. The actual
strain of the work develops the defects; and it is a matter of great
nicety of judgment to be able to deal with the changing conditions of
life. It will be seen that the formula -- 'Do what thou wilt shall
be the whole of the Law' has nothing to do with 'Do as you please.'"
- Aleister Crowley: Eight Lectures on Yoga, Book I - Yoga for Yahoos, Second Lecture.
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| To all of you practicing (and recovering) Catholics out there.... | 2006-03-01 09:44:49 ET |
Happy Ash Wednesday! Were you a good Catholic and get your ashes?
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| How Fitting (this time posted in ENGLISH) | 2006-03-01 02:24:02 ET |
"...Man is a strange animal when he seeks to attract the attention of the Gods, and has tried everything (except, possibly, praying in pig-Latin while standing on his head) to convince them that his plight is terrible and merits their urgent attention. ....Little children do equally peculiar things to attract their earthly father's attention for a while." - pg 261, Sex and Drugs, Robert Anton Wilson
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| ....just thought I'd gloat.... hehehe | 2006-02-23 13:45:20 ET |
Orson Scott Card - writer of 'Ender's Game' and many other modern sci-fi classics - is a resident of my current home: Greensboro, NC.
It gets better.
He's listed in the phone book.
He even writes for one of the local papers (like free, street-type papers, not big corperate ones), 'The Rhino Times'.
I just found all of these things out, recently.
Yay, yay, yay! I don't hate where I live so much. Even more reason for everyone to visit me. =P
- Post script -
Hmm. perhaps for the cost of S & H, I could start sending other 'fans' the Rhino Times issues he writes in. ...and I wonder if there's a fan-club here in town, if not I should start one... hmm....
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| just wondering.... | 2006-02-17 14:02:20 ET |
Is anyone even reading this, at all?
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| Well? | 2006-02-16 22:58:57 ET |
No oppinions on the last piece I posted (the poem, not the link to the rant? How am I supposed to grow as a writer without feedback from you 'public'?
(Ok, ok, so I just almost posted before I realized I typed 'bublic' instead of 'public', so I'm gonna need an editor someday, too. Unfortunatly spell check can't do it all, and the 'grammar correction' in Word just doesn't work with poetry or free-form writing.)
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| Written 6/04 | 2006-02-14 19:01:31 ET |
Your Embrace Is Valhalla
Your caress, is worth a swim, across the River Styx.
I would cross the rings of hell, if you would grant me just one kiss.
I find Nirvana in your eyes, I find Nirvana on your lips.
I find Nirvana when you touch me, with those fingertips...
I lose myself in your soothing voice,
I lose myself in your sweet face,
I would gladly give my life away,
To spend a night, in your embrace.
If you are my Isis, Mother of All,
Can I be your Osiris?
:::Finis::
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| Seems somehow fitting, once again. | 2006-02-14 10:30:28 ET |
This was transcribed onto computer sometime in early `98. I think it was written between 2-3 years prior to that. I just re-discovered it, and it seems fitting to my mood, right now.
THE RELIEF OF DARKNESS
I'm not sure how much longer I can keep it up.
It takes all of my strength to go on.
I try and make the best of things,
But the pain is becoming unbearable.
I have been all but stripped of my emotions,
It semms like all I feel is pain.
I feel so empty.
My heart and soul seem to be dying.
I can't take being alone anymore.
Death is calling to me like never before.
I see his dark shadow behimd me in the mirror,
I feel the ice water in my viens.
My heart has frozen over.
I reach for my razor,
Drag it down my wrists,
Feeling all of my suffering drain from my body,
Forming a pool at my feet.
Seeing the light turn to shadows,
Everything turns black,
The relief of darkness.
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| A repost - Felt VERY much needed! | 2006-02-11 22:53:51 ET |
(Also, I think it's one of the most beautiful openings to a book, ever!)
"Lolita,
light of my life,
fire of my loins.
My sin,
my soul.
Lo-lee-ta: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. Lo. Lee. Ta. She was Lo, plain Lo, in the morning, standing four feet ten in one sock. She was Lola in slacks. She was Dolly at school. She was Dolores on the dotted line. But in my arms she was always Lolita."
[Continuation of the quote, just because I love it so much]
"Did she have a precursor? She did, indeed she did. In point of fact, there might have been no Lolita at all had I not loved, one summer, a certain initial girl-child. In a princedom by the sea. Oh when? About as many years before Lolita was born as my age was that summer. You can always count on a murderer for a fancy prose style"
Now for the rant. If you examine the opening of that wonderful book by Vladimir Nabokov, you can't help but to be struck by the sheer simple beauty and elegance of it.
This is what disturbs me so much: English wasn't his first language, nor even his second!
Most people, born, raised and educated in this country don't even have a quarter of the mastery of the language that Nabokov did. Isn't there something just the slightest bit wrong with that picture?
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| Well, well, well. | 2006-02-10 13:18:42 ET |
My rather 'urban' neighbor who lives in the unit next door to my duplex, was pulling in the same time I was this evening. We exchanged "What's up"s, and out of the blue he asks -
"Hey, you don't smoke chronic, do you?"
"Of course I do!!!"
"Shit, you don't know where I can get a dime bag, do you?"
Well, Not having all that many steady contacts, not being in my home-state and all, I just offered to let him have some out of my "head stash"... He digs on Sci-fi movies, too.
Looks like I just found a new smokin' buddy, and right next door. Kick ass!
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| Leprosy - giving new meaning to the song 'Detachable Penis'... | 2006-02-09 20:45:59 ET |
Check out my new layout! Isn't it keen!!!
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| My grass is emo - it cuts itself. | 2006-02-09 20:32:23 ET |
Scene: The waterfall at 'The Rock Quarry' just outside Danville, Va - just over the NC/VA border.
Characters: Myself, and Gir (Amanda, my roomate)
S: Wow, it was frozen last time... come look at this view now!
Gir: I can see from here, this is as close as I come.
S: Come on, just look. Why can't you come closer?
Gir: No. I'm a fat-kid, and fat-kids cause landslides!
S: (almost falls of side of cliff from laughing so hard)
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| I like my coffee black.... Black like my soul.... (or: "how I'm feeling, now") | 2006-02-09 18:06:09 ET |
Broken hearted, internally bruised
Smashed and shattered
Betrayed,
Trust and Hope gone
The Love,
The happiness that I once knew,
Has been ripped from me.
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| The Plight of my Love | 2006-02-09 13:43:31 ET |
I love so greatly and limitlessly,
More than most can ever conceive.
Multiplicity instead of Singularity
Boundless, with an open Heart and open Soul
I pour out my Love, it flows from me.
I experience joys and ecstasies most can never dream.
Ananda. Bliss.
In much greater frequency and quantity, at that.
Though the cost of giving one's Heart so openly and totally, and freely -
Is that it is broken so equally in totality and frequency and quantity.
What a bitter-sweet existence it is to live as thus.
Burning as often and equally with a passion for Life,
And a longing for Death.
Eros versus Thatanos, a constantly raging battle.
That which I must endure so intensely.
(written aprox 6pm EST, 2/9/06)
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| Creadence Clearwater Revival - Wrote a Song for Everyone | 2006-02-09 13:42:40 ET |
Met myself a comin' county welfare line.
I was feelin' strung out, Hung out on the line.
Saw myself a goin', down to war in June.
All I want, All I want is to write myself a tune.
Wrote A Song For Ev'ryone,
Wrote a song for truth.
Wrote A Song For Ev'ryone
And I couldn't even talk to you.
Got myself arrested, Wound me up in jail.
Richmond 'bout to blow up, Communication failed.
If you see the answer, now's the time to say.
All I want, All I want is to get you down to pray.
Wrote A Song For Ev'ryone,
Wrote a song for truth.
Wrote A Song For Ev'ryone
And I couldn't even talk to you.
Saw the people standin' thousand years in chains.
Somebody said it's diff'rent now, look, it's just the same.
Pharoahs spin the message, round and round the truth.
They could have saved a million people, How can I tell you
Wrote A Song For Ev'ryone,
Wrote a song for truth.
Wrote A Song For Ev'ryone
And I couldn't even talk to you.
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