miss self destruct    

abashed the devil stood and felt how awful goodness is, and saw virtue in her shape how lovely; saw and pined his loss

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2016-03-01 21:29:08 ET

i graduated in december. i officially have a BSc. that's cool. i'm living on my own now, i'm starting a new job in 2 days and i'm completely self-sufficient, which is a huge personal victory and something that i was always scared i wouldn't be able to attain. the last few posts i've made here are very embarrassing in retrospect considering i can see clearly what an emotionally manipulative user the subject of those posts was/is. i want to delete them a lot but i guess i'll leave them as a reminder of how low this person made me feel and how high i am now without them. i've come far over the past year, part of me still can't believe i was able to achieve the things i did given how utterly useless i was for the better half of 2015. time doesn't heal all wounds but it makes the majority of them easier to deal with, at least.

here's hoping you're all doing well.

2015-10-10 22:13:21 ET

hello again. i've had way too much strawberry banana vodka (just as cheap and disgusting as it sounds) and i have heartburn and can't sleep so i'm gonna write here. i found a picture i took earlier this year:

doesn't look so bad really. but it is. this was a couple days after i received some devastating news that i am honestly still probably recovering from. when i took this photo i thought i was smiling. it doesn't look like a smile though. i can see that whatever emotion is on my face isn't reaching my eyes. i can see the sadness there. it's so hard to remember how depressed and how fucking utterly SAD S-A-D i was around this time. it was a feeling that persisted for months. sadness so profound and real that i could not get out of bed, and not even the threat of failing my classes or losing my job was enough to motivate me. holy shit i was in a bad, bad place and it was mostly because of someone i once cared about.

i can't conjure those feelings now, those feelings of love and care and tenderness. when i think of this person i feel absolutely nothing and that makes me a little sad but mostly i feel nothing about feeling nothing. to be honest i'd un-meet him if i could. to feel NOTHING about someone you once felt EVERYTHING for is very tragic, i think. what a world we live in. existence is so interesting and scary and hard to wrap my head around. i am grateful to be alive but sometimes i question my purpose on earth.

i think about him a lot but i still feel nothing. i wonder if he's okay but i consider that even if he isn't, there's nothing for me to do about it anymore. i think if i found out he was dying i would still feel nothing. he has used up his allotment of my good humor but curiosity keeps me wondering about his life. i do hope he's content, i hope he is sleeping well and making good decisions for his future. i could never wish anyone ill will but i'd be lying if i said i don't hope he suffers just a little sometimes; that he dreams about making me cry and wishes things could have been different. i think i have a revenge fetish, i can't stand the idea of people doing shitty things and not having to take responsibility for it. voltaire said every man is guilty of all the good he didn't do and i agree. be good to people just because. please.

this is rambling but the alcohol is making me loose and i like it. it's been months and i'm still not over it, not entirely. i don't cry over it any more though, and i can look at pictures of them together without wanting to die. what a step in the right direction. i'm sick of suffering but sometimes i feel like it gives my life purpose. depression is so weird. i hate being miserable but it's all i know. when i'm happy i get anxious because i know it won't last very long. i find myself entering every situation ready to be disappointed because that way it won't hurt so bad when i am inevitably let down.

but i'm okay. i'll graduate in a couple months and be a real, live adult with my own place and a 9-5 job. i cannot fucking wait. my life is a clusterfuck right now and i am a creature of habit. the variability from day to day fucks with me; i need stability. soon i will have it. soon i can focus on my mental health 100%. things will be better, all it takes is time. i firmly believe that.

take care.
1 comment

2015-08-23 17:20:43 ET

classes start tomorrow. my last semester! i'm excited, actually. i think i have finally put the worst of this depressive episode behind me. i haven't cried in weeks and i'm laughing again, doing things again, taking care of myself and making post-grad plans and living my life in the sunlight. a dear friend of mine came to visit; i hadn't seen her in months and she asked me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding next june so i'll get to see her again in a few weeks when we go dress shopping. we spent the day checking out second hand shops and eating gelato at a fancy cafe downtown. it was wonderful and so magical and i felt like a real live functioning human being for the first time in months and holy fuck, i'm alive and shit. it was just such a great day and it reminded me that there are sane, rational, selfless, compassionate, HUMAN people out there who care about me. i am not the shitty, damaged people who use me and leave me in worse shape than when they found me. i am so, so much more than that, in spite of it, independently of it. life feels worth living again for the first time in almost a year.

it's so strange how depression works. i'm really into MBTI lately and i've never scored as anything but an INFJ so i'm convinced that's what i am. besides, any INFJ profile i've ever read is basically me to a T. part of my personality is devoted to trying to understand absolutely everything, even things that defy understanding, or abstract concepts that can't really be understood in the way i'd like to know them. depression is something i still don't understand. i have knowledge of its mechanisms, sure; i know the neurotransmitters involved and their functions and how the medicine i take interacts with my body. but i don't understand myself sometimes. it's like i can feel this thing within me that just does what it wants and won't ever go away. i can stifle it for a while and learn to live with it, adjust every other aspect of my life to make room for it, cater to it and be extra careful with myself when i feel it flaring up. but i can't make it stop for good or tell it "no, i'm too busy to feel this way right now, can you come back in a month or so when i've got more time to be dreadfully sad?" it just happens. it's awful and very isolating and sometimes i feel incredibly alone, but then the fog lifts and i'm back to being "me." i'm okay now, but a bit dazed. i haven't been that depressed in sooooooo long, i foolishly attributed my past struggles to puberty and growing pains and blah blah blah. but now i know that this is just how things will be, and it's in my best interest to surround myself with understanding, supportive people who won't abandon me when i need them most and thus exacerbate my depression.

i'm taking a couple psychology classes this semester that i'm excited about: the brain & behavior, and drugs & behavior. sometimes i wish i'd have studied more neuropsychology, since my brain is diseased and i am very, very conscious of the fact that it greatly affects my behavior. it's really interesting to me. maybe in the future, because who knows what that holds, eh?

anyway this was just a quick update. my cousin gets married this coming weekend so i think i'll post a couple new pictures here from that. i'm excited to go somewhere new and dress up and do my worst at the open bar.

2015-07-01 18:20:50 ET

wow i'm writing here a lot lately. that's ok. it's good, probably. i've been taking my therapist's advice and writing him a lot of letters that i plan to burn next weekend while i'm camping with friends. i thought i'd written my last one a month or so ago but i just wrote another one. this one was nearly five pages long, handwritten on both front and back. i wrote it like i was going to send it to him, letting him know exactly how i feel. that's the lingering piece, really. i can get over him being with someone else, i can get over the regrets that i have, turn them into lessons and promise myself the future will be different. that's life, you know? live and learn.

but i don't know how to get over feeling cheated that he doesn't have to take responsibility for hurting me. i feel like he'll never fully appreciate just how much he fucked with me and how i will bear the scars on my heart of how he's made me feel for the rest of my life. it's not fair. i went through a situation in my childhood that still makes me feel that way to this day. someone hurt me very deeply and has never been held accountable for it. i haven't gotten over that, either. like, i can talk about it without feeling anything, the emotions are gone, i've worked through the guilt and stuff... but the fact that this person, this abuser, this living piece of shit in a human disguise is out living his life as if nothing ever happened, and i was the one that had to get help and re-learn to live my life as a survivor.

anyway... i just want to write something positive for once. my depression has been so hellacious this year, all i do is complain and wallow. some good news... hmmm..

well, i'm passing all my classes. it looks like i'll pass biochemistry and finally be done with chemistry YAY, because i hate chemistry and i'm not good at it. the only hard class i have left in my way is physics and then i'll (fingers crossed) graduate this december with my BS in biology. lord have mercy, it's been a fucking rollercoaster. i cannot wait to be done and start living my life. i feel stagnant, like i haven't begun to really *be* anything yet.

but i have a mother who loves me unconditionally and supports even my dumbest decisions, a grandmother that tries her best to meddle in my life in whatever way she can but is still there for me when i need it, and the best friend i've ever had who is seriously my friend-soulmate and i am so lucky to have her. i'm alive and i'm moderately intelligent and clever and at the very least i know that i am an honest and good person. i know from experience that is more than some people can say so at the end of the day, cool great for me.

this is a weird post but i felt like writing. i started writing a labyrinth fanfic last year that i haven't updated in a long ass time. yeah, labyrinth, like the movie. david bowie was my first crush as a kid and like, jareth still does something awful to me so i of course had to try my hand at turning a jim henson movie into pornography. i think i'll start writing it again. it has a fair few followers and reviews, which is surprising, which is encouraging. yeah, i'm gonna go try to update that.

i love you all.

2015-06-27 09:22:34 ET

i wonder if you think of me, or miss me, or regret treating me like something you'd scrape off the bottom of your shoe. i wonder if any of it was real. probably not. everything was built on a false pretense, anyway, and that's not a good foundation for anything meaningful. you lied to me about a lot of things, whether you think of them as lies or not, they were. i asked you point blank if you were over her and ready to move on, i told you i didn't think you were ready for a new relationship, and you said you were. you said you couldn't believe you'd fallen for her manipulations *again* and that you were soooo sorry for putting me through that, and you wouldn't do it again. you said you wouldn't and you fucking did. what a joke. i don't know where all this "unfinished business"/"always intending to get back together with her" stuff came from but you never mentioned any of that to me until it had already happened. if that was the case, why the fuck would you involve me? i don't believe it. i never will. never, not once, did you lead me to believe this is where we'd end up. as far as i knew when i got emotionally involved with you, you were in the process of moving on from her and only wanted to be friends with her. i thought you wanted to move on, to get over your romantic feelings for her. if i'd have known it was all fake i'd never have gotten so invested. if i'd have known you were secretly pining for her i'd have wished you well and deleted your number. you misled me every step of the way and i feel incredibly foolish for caring so much, especially now that i know i mean absolutely nothing to you.

it hurts my heart to think that i mean nothing to you, but how could i? how can you think it's acceptable to just stop responding to me? that's how you handle your life? that's how you solve your problems? really? you think that's an acceptable way to treat someone you supposedly care about? that's not a way to treat a stranger, let alone someone you once supposedly loved. how utterly disrespectful and cruel. just when i thought we were doing okay. things weren't ideal, our communications were a little strained, but we were communicating at the very least. if you wanted it to stop, fine, but to not even tell me? to just wash your hands of me and expect me to be the one to take a hint? all i wanted was to know that you're okay. i guess it's safe to assume that you two are back together or fucking or who knows what. you probably feel guilty and can't bring yourself to admit it to me or something, i don't know. i can't wrap my head around you coming to to the conclusion that the best way to handle whatever is going on is to blatantly ignore me. do you have any idea what that does to me? especially while i am in the throes of one of the worst depressive episodes i've ever been through? probably not. do you care? obviously not. but i'll tell you what it does to me.

it makes me feel worthless. it makes me feel like everything was a waste, a lie, a sick inside joke between you and her where i am the punchline. it makes me bitter and jealous that you two are up all night together having a great time and i am alone and too depressed to eat or get out of bed and you don't even have the decency to ask if i'm okay or not. it fucks with my sense of self to feel like i was so wrong about you and us. i am usually very sure of myself and my judgments of others, but i have never felt more wrong in my life. i thought i was getting to know the real you but now i feel deceived. i don't know you at all. i don't remember you. none of the things you ever said to me feel real anymore. you seem deceitful and disingenuous and self-serving. all of the nice things you used to say to me about your feelings for me seem like little silver-tongued lies you used to string me along, to keep me around to entertain you and feed your ego until you had the chance to get what you *really* wanted all along. i can't picture laughing with you anymore, all i can picture is you laughing at me.

i suppose in the long-run this will be a good thing. it has definitely forced me, against my will (again), to finally snuff the last few embers of my love for you. it's been a bit like being thrust into the deep end of the pool without knowing how to swim. all of the memories of our embraces and laughter and inside jokes that used to give me butterflies just make me feel cold now. thinking of you used to make my tears flow freely, but now i am able to stop them before a single one is able to spill over and slide down my cheek. all my thoughts of a future with you in my life, any kind of future: friendship, companionship, having a beer once in a while, whatever, have been replaced with a future where i don't think of you at all except to hope that you're miserable and that the both of you get nothing more or less than exactly what you deserve. all the time i spent thinking of ways to help you is now free time that i have to do things that don't make me sad or sentimentally hopeful that you think of me half as much as i think of you.

you told me once that it terrified you to think that you'd be reduced to nothing more than a memory to me. did you mean that? i wonder how it would make you feel to know that soon you will not even be a memory. you will be little more than a stain on my past, a dark part of one of the lowest periods of my life, a fleeting thought that leaves a bad taste in my mouth and a scowl on my lips. you will be a sad story i tell when i've had too much to drink and get a little too honest. you will be an annoying throb in my forehead when i see an FMA poster or hear a radiohead song. i will grit my teeth when i move to coralville and think that i once knew a boy who i am now very physically close to, but emotionally further from than ever.

i will remember you, but you will not be a memory. memories are reserved for things that i wish to call upon at will, things that i recollect fondly and want to preserve forever. you are not one of those things. our time together is not one of those things. i will remember you begrudgingly because i cannot force my brain to forget you completely, but i will not feel anything when my neurons fire in such a way that your smile or your smell crosses my mind. that is all you will be to me. a series of biochemical processes. how interesting and sad that our "love" can be reduced to an impulse passing across a synapse. maybe it's what you've always wanted. it's not what i wanted, but that's how it will be.

good luck with your life. i hope you find happiness and that your life turns out the way you've always dreamt it would. i hope you dream of me and wake up sweating and confused with bile in the back of your throat. i hope you see me on every street corner. i hope the guilt eats you alive. but mostly i just hope you're okay.

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