miss self destruct    

abashed the devil stood and felt how awful goodness is, and saw virtue in her shape how lovely; saw and pined his loss


2018-06-21 20:27:04 ET

it's been a minute but i needed somewhere to write my thoughts.
i don't even know why i'm thinking about someone i don't actually "know." i only know of him.

my great uncle ray died in 1966, when he was 22, of a self-inflicted gunshot wound. my family is catholic so we never, EVER, talk about it. it's taboo. and undoubtedly painful for my grandma and her youngest sister, two of the three currently living people who actually remember him as a living, breathing man, to talk about. but i have been curious about him since i was a child.

the only picture i've ever seen of him is his military service photo. he had my great grandpa's elephant ears. so does my uncle, whose middle name is raymond. ray is buried beneath a modest headstone in the cemetery in the town where i grew up. he shot himself in his bedroom at his parents' house. i remember being in that room several times as a child. i would stealthily scan the old wooden floors for traces of blood stains. there were none.

i'd like to know what he was like. was he funny? was he athletic? could he cook, or was he better at eating? how tall was he? did he like music? what kind? his obituary described him as a farmhand - did he aspire to be more?

i had to find a transcript of his obit online. he died on may 23. another thing i never knew, but will certainly never forget now that i do.

wherever you are, ray, if you are anywhere at all, know that you will always be alive in my mind.
1 comment

2016-03-01 21:29:08 ET

i graduated in december. i officially have a BSc. that's cool. i'm living on my own now, i'm starting a new job in 2 days and i'm completely self-sufficient, which is a huge personal victory and something that i was always scared i wouldn't be able to attain. the last few posts i've made here are very embarrassing in retrospect considering i can see clearly what an emotionally manipulative user the subject of those posts was/is. i want to delete them a lot but i guess i'll leave them as a reminder of how low this person made me feel and how high i am now without them. i've come far over the past year, part of me still can't believe i was able to achieve the things i did given how utterly useless i was for the better half of 2015. time doesn't heal all wounds but it makes the majority of them easier to deal with, at least.

here's hoping you're all doing well.

2015-10-10 22:13:21 ET

hello again. i've had way too much strawberry banana vodka (just as cheap and disgusting as it sounds) and i have heartburn and can't sleep so i'm gonna write here. i found a picture i took earlier this year:

doesn't look so bad really. but it is. this was a couple days after i received some devastating news that i am honestly still probably recovering from. when i took this photo i thought i was smiling. it doesn't look like a smile though. i can see that whatever emotion is on my face isn't reaching my eyes. i can see the sadness there. it's so hard to remember how depressed and how fucking utterly SAD S-A-D i was around this time. it was a feeling that persisted for months. sadness so profound and real that i could not get out of bed, and not even the threat of failing my classes or losing my job was enough to motivate me. holy shit i was in a bad, bad place and it was mostly because of someone i once cared about.

i can't conjure those feelings now, those feelings of love and care and tenderness. when i think of this person i feel absolutely nothing and that makes me a little sad but mostly i feel nothing about feeling nothing. to be honest i'd un-meet him if i could. to feel NOTHING about someone you once felt EVERYTHING for is very tragic, i think. what a world we live in. existence is so interesting and scary and hard to wrap my head around. i am grateful to be alive but sometimes i question my purpose on earth.

i think about him a lot but i still feel nothing. i wonder if he's okay but i consider that even if he isn't, there's nothing for me to do about it anymore. i think if i found out he was dying i would still feel nothing. he has used up his allotment of my good humor but curiosity keeps me wondering about his life. i do hope he's content, i hope he is sleeping well and making good decisions for his future. i could never wish anyone ill will but i'd be lying if i said i don't hope he suffers just a little sometimes; that he dreams about making me cry and wishes things could have been different. i think i have a revenge fetish, i can't stand the idea of people doing shitty things and not having to take responsibility for it. voltaire said every man is guilty of all the good he didn't do and i agree. be good to people just because. please.

this is rambling but the alcohol is making me loose and i like it. it's been months and i'm still not over it, not entirely. i don't cry over it any more though, and i can look at pictures of them together without wanting to die. what a step in the right direction. i'm sick of suffering but sometimes i feel like it gives my life purpose. depression is so weird. i hate being miserable but it's all i know. when i'm happy i get anxious because i know it won't last very long. i find myself entering every situation ready to be disappointed because that way it won't hurt so bad when i am inevitably let down.

but i'm okay. i'll graduate in a couple months and be a real, live adult with my own place and a 9-5 job. i cannot fucking wait. my life is a clusterfuck right now and i am a creature of habit. the variability from day to day fucks with me; i need stability. soon i will have it. soon i can focus on my mental health 100%. things will be better, all it takes is time. i firmly believe that.

take care.
1 comment

2015-08-23 17:20:43 ET

classes start tomorrow. my last semester! i'm excited, actually. i think i have finally put the worst of this depressive episode behind me. i haven't cried in weeks and i'm laughing again, doing things again, taking care of myself and making post-grad plans and living my life in the sunlight. a dear friend of mine came to visit; i hadn't seen her in months and she asked me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding next june so i'll get to see her again in a few weeks when we go dress shopping. we spent the day checking out second hand shops and eating gelato at a fancy cafe downtown. it was wonderful and so magical and i felt like a real live functioning human being for the first time in months and holy fuck, i'm alive and shit. it was just such a great day and it reminded me that there are sane, rational, selfless, compassionate, HUMAN people out there who care about me. i am not the shitty, damaged people who use me and leave me in worse shape than when they found me. i am so, so much more than that, in spite of it, independently of it. life feels worth living again for the first time in almost a year.

it's so strange how depression works. i'm really into MBTI lately and i've never scored as anything but an INFJ so i'm convinced that's what i am. besides, any INFJ profile i've ever read is basically me to a T. part of my personality is devoted to trying to understand absolutely everything, even things that defy understanding, or abstract concepts that can't really be understood in the way i'd like to know them. depression is something i still don't understand. i have knowledge of its mechanisms, sure; i know the neurotransmitters involved and their functions and how the medicine i take interacts with my body. but i don't understand myself sometimes. it's like i can feel this thing within me that just does what it wants and won't ever go away. i can stifle it for a while and learn to live with it, adjust every other aspect of my life to make room for it, cater to it and be extra careful with myself when i feel it flaring up. but i can't make it stop for good or tell it "no, i'm too busy to feel this way right now, can you come back in a month or so when i've got more time to be dreadfully sad?" it just happens. it's awful and very isolating and sometimes i feel incredibly alone, but then the fog lifts and i'm back to being "me." i'm okay now, but a bit dazed. i haven't been that depressed in sooooooo long, i foolishly attributed my past struggles to puberty and growing pains and blah blah blah. but now i know that this is just how things will be, and it's in my best interest to surround myself with understanding, supportive people who won't abandon me when i need them most and thus exacerbate my depression.

i'm taking a couple psychology classes this semester that i'm excited about: the brain & behavior, and drugs & behavior. sometimes i wish i'd have studied more neuropsychology, since my brain is diseased and i am very, very conscious of the fact that it greatly affects my behavior. it's really interesting to me. maybe in the future, because who knows what that holds, eh?

anyway this was just a quick update. my cousin gets married this coming weekend so i think i'll post a couple new pictures here from that. i'm excited to go somewhere new and dress up and do my worst at the open bar.

2015-07-01 18:20:50 ET

wow i'm writing here a lot lately. that's ok. it's good, probably. i've been taking my therapist's advice and writing him a lot of letters that i plan to burn next weekend while i'm camping with friends. i thought i'd written my last one a month or so ago but i just wrote another one. this one was nearly five pages long, handwritten on both front and back. i wrote it like i was going to send it to him, letting him know exactly how i feel. that's the lingering piece, really. i can get over him being with someone else, i can get over the regrets that i have, turn them into lessons and promise myself the future will be different. that's life, you know? live and learn.

but i don't know how to get over feeling cheated that he doesn't have to take responsibility for hurting me. i feel like he'll never fully appreciate just how much he fucked with me and how i will bear the scars on my heart of how he's made me feel for the rest of my life. it's not fair. i went through a situation in my childhood that still makes me feel that way to this day. someone hurt me very deeply and has never been held accountable for it. i haven't gotten over that, either. like, i can talk about it without feeling anything, the emotions are gone, i've worked through the guilt and stuff... but the fact that this person, this abuser, this living piece of shit in a human disguise is out living his life as if nothing ever happened, and i was the one that had to get help and re-learn to live my life as a survivor.

anyway... i just want to write something positive for once. my depression has been so hellacious this year, all i do is complain and wallow. some good news... hmmm..

well, i'm passing all my classes. it looks like i'll pass biochemistry and finally be done with chemistry YAY, because i hate chemistry and i'm not good at it. the only hard class i have left in my way is physics and then i'll (fingers crossed) graduate this december with my BS in biology. lord have mercy, it's been a fucking rollercoaster. i cannot wait to be done and start living my life. i feel stagnant, like i haven't begun to really *be* anything yet.

but i have a mother who loves me unconditionally and supports even my dumbest decisions, a grandmother that tries her best to meddle in my life in whatever way she can but is still there for me when i need it, and the best friend i've ever had who is seriously my friend-soulmate and i am so lucky to have her. i'm alive and i'm moderately intelligent and clever and at the very least i know that i am an honest and good person. i know from experience that is more than some people can say so at the end of the day, cool great for me.

this is a weird post but i felt like writing. i started writing a labyrinth fanfic last year that i haven't updated in a long ass time. yeah, labyrinth, like the movie. david bowie was my first crush as a kid and like, jareth still does something awful to me so i of course had to try my hand at turning a jim henson movie into pornography. i think i'll start writing it again. it has a fair few followers and reviews, which is surprising, which is encouraging. yeah, i'm gonna go try to update that.

i love you all.

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