2009-04-26 10:18:15 ET 2 comments

Presidential inauguration.

2009-01-20 07:20:08 ET So my co-workers are all watching the Presidential inauguration and, as I peer over their shoulders, I can't help but wish that Obama is some sort of massive Star Wars fan boy. Then the entire theme of the inauguration would be Star Wars. Bush would be dressed up as Darth Vader. Cheney would be Emperor Palpatine. Obama would be dressed up as Han Solo and his wife, Michelle, would be Leia. The head of the Secret Service would be decked out in full Wookie regalia wearing a ceremonial banner. The whole thing would be topped off by a band of little people running around wearing nothing but body hugging fur coats. Bill Clinton would be Jar Jar. 1 comment

Nicotine Cum.

2009-01-19 11:15:30 ET Excuse me. What is that? This? I'm trying to quit smoking. I've guessed that. But what is it? It's nicotine cum. You mean nicotine gum? No, what I said. Nicotine cum. See? It comes in cans. So what do you do with it? Well you drink it, obviously. But it's cum. No, it's nicotine cum. See, read the label. Designed to cure the constant craving for nicotine. For full effect drink at least one can of nicotine cum every morning before breakfast. Really? Yes. So how's it taste like? It tastes like nicotine cum. You want some? No, thanks. I, uh, don't smoke. Suit yourself. Does it work though? What does? Nicotine cum. I think so. But it's only been a week but I hope so. And you... you don't find anything weird about drinking cum laced with nicotine or whatever it is? No, not really. Should I? Well it's cum... In a can. In a can. You don't think it's a scam or something? Well if it's a scam it's as much of a scam as nicotine gum or nicotine patches. Those are all ordinary things just with nicotine added for effect. So whose cum is it? I don't think it's anyone's in particular. I mean I've got at least half a dozen cans in my fridge at home. That's a lot of cum. The company that makes this must have an assembly line of chronic masturbators or something of the sort. And what company makes this? Why the Nicotine Cum Company, of course. It sure as hell ain't Coca Cola. Hell, if Coca Cola came up with that idea we'd all be drinking carbonated cum. Corn syrup carbonated jizz with a big red label. You sure it's not a ploy though? What do you mean? I mean may be it's a way to indoctrinate people into drinking cum. I mean it's cum laced with nicotine, for god's sake. How do you know that if you quit it you won't suffer from cum cravings? It's like Pavlov's dogs. After a while how do you know you won't be waking up early in the morning looking forward to that first can of cum? Well even if that happens it's better than smoking. Is it? Well... yeah. Smoking gives you cancer. I've never heard of drinking cum giving you cancer! 1 comment

Writing - Ferry.

2008-12-11 12:46:24 ET So a week or two ago for some reason I took the ferry home. It was late and the ferry was one of those tiny ones with only two floors. I was sitting on the bottom one trying to read but constantly hearing shouting and singing and laughter from some group up front. I passed by them when the boat docked at Staten Island. As I walked I ended up behind this fat black chick who was one of the singing drunks. She had no ass. It was horrific to look at. Just two triangular slabs that met at her crack. It was awful. Like a fat chick with no tits. Unnatural. The world felt cold and hollow that night. 2 comments

2008-12-07 20:47:16 ET Spalding Gray swimming lessons.

2008-12-07 20:46:43 ET -Come on, Timmy. Drink it. Drink the Jesus juice. -I don't wanna! -Come on, Timmy. -No! It smells bad! -That's what you said when you first met your grandfather. And now he's dead. Do you see what you did, Timmy? Do you see what you did with your sense of smell? -But mommy... -Mommy doesn't know what she's talking about! Your old man's old man died and his soul went up your nose. Grampa's with Satan now. And Satan lives in your nose! -No! -Yes! Crying won't change a thing! I've seen you! On those cold nights with your finger deep in your nostril warmed by the blistering heat of damnation! Can you hear the screams of your grandfather's tortured soul? Can you hear it in your nose? -No! Stop! It's not true! Grampa's not in hell! There's nothing in my nose! -Then drink the Jesus juice, Timmy! Drink it and all the bad things will go away! Do it! Save your grandfather! -Never! -Come on, Timmy! It'll make you big and strong. You want to be big and strong don't you? You have to be if you want to grow up to be an astronaut, Timmy! Or a rapper! You want to be a space rapper, don't you Timmy? You have to be big and strong to be a space rapper, Timmy. NASA said so when they passed that law on who gets to be a space rapper. -No! You're lying! Mommy says space rappers are small like horse jockeys!

2008-12-07 20:46:33 ET - Mommy, where do babies come from? - My butt. - What? - Yeah. Take you, for example. I wanted to shit real bad so I sat on the toilet and squeezed real hard. I was about to flush when I got up and took a look in the water and saw you floating around. You must've been in there for at least a half hour. I know this because I usually read when I'm on the crapper and I remember I fell asleep. - Mommy, is that why one of my lungs doesn't work? - I would guess so. 1 comment

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