Why You Should Not Read On The Toilet
2014-08-19 14:13:57 ET

Why You Should Not Read On The Toilet:

Abandon all, ye who enter here,
Your bowels and your vowels
And struggle with constipated consonants
With a book precariously balanced betwixt your knees
Trying to catch that one more sentence, paragraph, chapter
Ignore that gnat up on the rafter
Growing ever so bolder
Reading your book over your shoulder
As the line outside grows colder, angrier
Mad pounding on the door
"I have to shit!" - real fecal furor
Get up and look around
No tissue to be found
Except the novel bound....

Deep thoughts... by me.
2014-07-21 05:49:33 ET

Only a narcissist could've invented Twinkies. He pulled his pants down in front of a mirror and said "the world needs to enjoy this." That's how we ended up with a skin-colored cylinder filled with creamy white stuff as one of America's most popular snack foods.

2014-07-14 09:10:44 ET

"There's only two ways this can end," he said. "But, first, take that flashlight out of your asshole."

"But I'm enlightened!"

C'est la vie
2014-07-14 08:50:53 ET

Life is the world's number one disease.

As it stands, 100% of people who are currently infected with the life condition will die.

There is no cure.

And the worst part?

The longer you live, the greater your chances of dying.

So remember, kids...


Dear Diary
2014-06-22 08:40:53 ET

January 10, 2015

In an effort to become more productive I have decided to start a diary. This was actually one of my New Year resolutions but, as you can see, it took me over a week to actually pick up a pen and write anything. And I don't know what to write. So...

Dear Diary,

Hey. Fuck you.

January 17, 2015

I think the whole "Dear Diary" thing is really stupid. Why am I talking to an inanimate object? And, it's not all that dear to me anyway. Last time I wrote in it was a week ago. Fuck it.

To whom it may concern,

Not much happened during the week. I've been working. Sleeping. Working. Masturbating. Sleeping. Masturbating. Working. I tried playing some video games last night but there were these weird power outages. The lights would dim or flicker and then come back on. I went back to looking at porn. It's a good thing I have a laptop. If the power goes out I still have access to my porn. Some people collect stamps. I collect porn.

January 19, 2015

To whom it may concern,

The power just went out fifteen minutes ago. I was jackin' it to the oldies when my laptop screen dimmed a bit. I fiddled around with the power cable but that didn't do anything. I checked the wall outlet. Fine. Everything was fine. I decided to turn on the lights in the room just to check if the power was on. It wasn't. I checked the circuit breaker but that looked ok to me. Hopefully it won't be out for too long. My laptop battery tends to die really fast.

January 20, 2015

The power is still out. I'm getting worried. I've been charging my laptop at work and jacking off in the bathroom. I think I may be a porn addict. I'm not sure though. Is there a guideline for this sort of stuff? I was going to look it up but got sidetracked trying to bypass the firewall and download some new porn.

Oh and right before lunch we heard a weird sound almost like a jet plane flying slowly right above us. But there was nothing. Some people looked out the window and everything seemed ok. Weird.

January 23, 2015

Still no power. And no work tomorrow either. I'm getting worried.

Also, there have been lights seen in the sky. UFOs and stuff. I think. I never actually saw anything because I was trying to jack off at home. I almost got caught at work so I've moved my jack off sessions back home. I've also been experimenting with using different hands. So far it's been like playing ping pong with my dick so nothing conclusive yet.

Fuck. I think my neighbor is knocking on my door. Maybe the porn was too loud? Should I close the porn window or just pause it? Fuck it.

March 3, 2015

It has been over a month since the invasion. Since the aliens landed I had no desire to write in my diary or jack off.

I mean I did jack off that one time but that was for the experiments. THEY made me and then they told me that it was THEIR fault and that THEY screwed up. I told them THEY did. THEY asked if there was a way to make it up to me. I told them about Brazzers and asked if THEY could set me up with a free account. THEY said OK so I beat up my penis and choked it until it sperm-puked into one of THEIR collection buckets.

The account didn't work. I broke out.

This was yesterday.

Today I am wandering the streets. There is no one here but ash. And everything smells like ash. I would walk, sniff the air, and complain about how everything smells like ash.

There is no one around to appreciate my jokes.

I miss my porn.

2014-06-22 08:15:24 ET

once there was this kid
we knew him, right?
from school
he had an accident
it was pretty bad
a car hit him and
he was in the hospital for a month
couldn't come to school
missed out on a bunch of classwork
it sucked
he did come back finally
but he looked different
he had dark hair before but now it was bright white
he looked like a 12 year old Billy Idol
so we asked him what happened
he said it was from when the car had smashed so hard
mmm mmm mmm mmm
true story that
this took place in Winnipeg
you know
in Manitoba

2014-06-22 06:52:36 ET

Haven't been on here in a while. Just noticed the login page doesn't support TLS. Whathehell?

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