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2008-12-07 20:46:17 ET
Let's face it. New York City is totally artificial. Take Central Park, for example. Trees and dirt wheeled in at the cost of millions of dollars just to make some random piece of urban property look like some Appalachian moonshine mascot's backyard. Except, of course, we don't get the wildlife. I mean, yeah, we've got our own bear problem... if by bear problem you mean burly gay men preying on unsuspecting joggers. And, hell, the only peacock plumage you see around these parts is when some pimp tries to flag you down in Penn Station. So there we are. New York City's faker than a pair of tits on the chest of some whore-painted boygirl working a Bangkok backalley.
2008-12-07 20:45:56 ET
[12:23] enamon23: Remember how, when the first rumours of it were coming out and they got rid of the first scriptwriter you said it was a good thing because his script had UFOs in it?
[12:23] enamon23: REMEMBER?1??!?!?!
[12:23] enamon23: WHO'S YOUR GOD NOW?!?!?!?!
[12:24] enamon23: Anyway, I swear that whole "survive a nuke blast by hiding in a lead lined fridge" thing was lifted straight out of the first draft of the first Back To The Future script.
[12:25] enamon23: My idea was better. Nazis piloting man made flying saucers.
[12:25] enamon23: No crystal skulls or cheesy alien tourists.
[12:25] enamon23: But if I had to go with commies I'd go with Boris and Natasha
[12:25] enamon23: or at least I would make the psychic chick actually do psychic stuff.
[12:26] IlyaAOHELL: yeah, I was not impressed
[12:27] enamon23: I wish they'd make us Russkies more cartoonish.
[12:27] enamon23: We just seemed so... plain in that movie.
[12:27] IlyaAOHELL: it was a very good summer blockbuster-type movie, but a bad Indiana Jones movie... it won't be considered a classic like the others
[12:27] enamon23: the aliens should've left by whistling tones like in Close Encounters
[12:27] enamon23: but then they should've incinerated most of Peru like in War of the Worlds
[12:28] enamon23: It was E.T.'s skull, btw.
[12:28] enamon23: Except in this case the kid's bicycle was a 50's Harley chopper.
[12:28] enamon23: I should write the next Indy Jones script. I already have the title.
[12:29] enamon23: Indiana Jones and Jesus.
[12:29] enamon23: It takes place in the 60s.
[12:29] enamon23: That's all I'm going to reveal.
[12:29] enamon23: Oh and Mutt becomes a Beatnick.
[12:30] enamon23: *Beatnik.
[12:31] enamon23: And the source of Indiana Jones's fear of slithering serpents is revealed.
[12:32] enamon23: When he was three he inadvertantly saw his father's penis. He's been afraid of snakes ever since.
[12:33] IlyaAOHELL: stop raping my childhood!
[12:35] enamon23: Hmm... you're a good friend of mine so... I might as well give you the basic premise of the script in a nutshell. The "plot" of it, if you will.
[12:37] enamon23: Basically, Jesus stops by and asks Indy for help. Apparently Jesus isn't the messiah or whatnot. The real thing is Jesus's brother - Bob Christ. And he's been kidnapped. My Mao Tse-tung.
[12:37] enamon23: *By Mao Tse-tung.
[12:38] enamon23: Oh and Jackie Chan's in this one too. He plays that Asian kid from The Temple Of Doom. He's all grown up now and helps Indy.
[12:41] IlyaAOHELL: "Dr. Jonesss!!!"
[12:41] IlyaAOHELL: I want to scream that out in a high-pitched voice anytime I see an asian child
2008-12-07 20:45:27 ET
Aristotle: Teacher, if one is committing the act of pig fucking is one then, by logical conclusion, porking a pig?
Plato: Nay, Aristotle, for pork is but a name reserved for the inanimate flesh of a pig animal. Thus you are only porking a pig if the pig is quite dead.
Aristotle: So one would have to kill a pig and then fuck it in order to pork it?
Plato: Quite true, pig fucker.
2008-12-07 20:45:00 ET
[16:41] Me: So um... what are you wearing?
[16:42] Ilya: socks and underwear
[16:42] Ilya: black socks
[16:42] Ilya: wool
[16:42] Ilya: knee-high
[16:42] Ilya: why do you ask?
[16:43] Me: I don't know. Just seemed like the thing to do, you know?
[16:43] Ilya: do you regret it?
[16:43] Me: I think that's how all human interaction should start.
[16:44] Me: Not with a "hi" but with a "So... what are you wearing?"
[16:44] Me: Not at all. At least my substitute greeting results in actual information as opposed to usual routine.
[16:44] Me: And, with this, you can find out which one of your co-workers (be they male or female) is wearing lingerie.
[16:44] Me: So that's a benefit right there.
[16:45] Me: I am a genius.
[16:45] Ilya: speaking of awesome things... I have to help moderate a children's focus group tonight
[16:46] Me: Focus group?
[16:46] Ilya: yeah
[16:46] Me: Elaborate por favor.
[16:46] Ilya: do you know what a focus group is?
[16:46] Me: It's a group of people who drive Fords?
[16:47] Ilya: if a company wants to know how their customers will react to a product, or if they want feedback from the public, they bring in about a dozen people, have them test out the product, and then talk to them and see what they like, don't like, and how they would improve the product
[16:47] Ilya: that's called a focus group
[16:48] Ilya: it's actually very lucrative to be a focus group participant... you get free pizza, sometimes free gifts, and you get paid about $100 for 90 minutes of talking... and you can attend more than one per week
[16:48] Ilya: we use a company called Research Now for recruitment, they're based in NY if you want to sign up
[16:48] Ilya: www.researchnow.com (I think)
[16:48] Me: $100 for 90 minutes of talking? That reminds me. I have to work on a standup routine. I figure that's the way to make a lot of money. Look at Jay Leno. Or Jesus. FUNNY GUYS! Well... may be just JC.
[16:49] Me: With him it's wino jokes all the time.
[16:49] Me: "I knew a guy who was so drunk...."
[16:49] Me: "How drunk was he, Jesus?"
[16:49] Me: "He was pretty fucking drunk."
[16:49] Me: *rimshot*
[16:50] Ilya: you should look up Rowan Atkinson's bit about Jesus being a magician on YouTube (though I think some religious assholes edited it down to make it seem like he was giving praises to Jesus instead of kind of mocking religion)
[16:50] Ilya: anyway
[16:50] Ilya: I started saying something about the focus group
[16:50] Ilya: yeah, so it's for children aged 9-12 today... we had another group last night
[16:50] Ilya: it's this Sims-like game
[16:50] Me: Ah yes, I saw that bit. It was snazzy.
[16:50] Ilya: but there's a problem...
[16:51] Me: The sex?
[16:51] Ilya: we didn't discover this until the kids brought it to our attention last night
[16:51] Ilya: see, there's a song in the game
[16:51] Ilya: and it's a game for the DS, so you use the stylus to tap the screen to the beat kind of like guitar hero
[16:51] Ilya: but the song... umm
[16:51] Me: Is it Soulja Boy? OH MAH GAWD I LOVE THAT SONG!!1
[16:51] Ilya: "It has bad words" the kids said, embarassed
[16:51] Me: It's What What isn't it?
[16:51] Me: I said What what in the butt
[16:51] Ilya: "What bad words could it be," we thought...
[16:52] Ilya: so after the group we listened to the song
[16:52] Me: Is it Rape Me?
[16:52] Me: Is it that I wanna fuck you in the ass song?
[16:52] Ilya: the song goes something like, "La la la, la la la, MOTHER FUCKER!"
[16:52] Me: How is that a bad word?
[16:52] Me: In some countries that's how they say "Dad".
[16:52] Me: "This is my mom. And this... this is my motherfucker."
[16:53] Ilya: our manager, who's actually kind of, umm, the biggest fucking douchebag I've ever met in my entire life... he starts freaking out that he's gonna get sued
[16:53] Me: In that case though that would be a "Stepdad".
[16:53] Me: I don't know. I've seen some pretty big douchebags. But then again, I hang out in hospital wards until I get kicked out.
[16:53] Ilya: he tops them all
[16:53] Ilya: seriously, I can't stand this guy
[16:54] Ilya: my co-worker just quit the job last week because he couldn't stand this asshole
[16:54] Ilya: and HE was kind of a dick also, so that says something
[16:54] Me: Your coworker should move to another country, become a diplomat, come back, stab your manager in the eye with a pencil, and claim diplomatic immunity.
[16:55] Me: Yeah, most diplomats are dicks.
[16:55] Me: "Diplo" is Ye Olde Latin for "Dick".
[16:55] Me: Hence "Diplosaurus". The dinosaur with the biggest dick.
[16:55] Ilya: I think the Thesaurus is my favorite... he was the smartest dinosaur, you know
[16:55] Me: So, translated directly, that would be "Dick Lizard"
[16:55] Me: .
[16:56] Ilya: oh, seriously go sign up for focus groups
[16:56] Ilya: you can do it after work
[16:56] Me: Hmm I might do it late next week then.
[16:57] Ilya: you're white and in your twenties, that makes you more desired than some other people
[16:57] Ilya: minorities don't get much work
[16:57] Ilya: and typically 18-34 is the best age range
[16:58] Me: It's the same with adoption agencies. Remember my E-Baby idea? It's like an Ebay for Eastern European Caucasian babies.
[16:58] Me: There's big money in it. Only reason I didn't go through with it is I couldn't find a supplier of cardboard boxes that would punch in airholes for me.
[16:59] Me: Something about "legal liabilities". I told him I don't speak Latin. Except for "Diplosaurus".
[16:59] Ilya: aaaaand scene :-P
2008-12-07 20:44:27 ET
We'd sit on the curb and write our names in the pavement with a bottle of lighter fluid and set it alight and watch the earth burn. That would be at twilight. We'd hear all the night noises. Crickets and frogs in the grass across the road. Lit gray moon illuminating our flash of flame. Sometimes we'd lay back and watch the sky and pray for shooting stars to come our way.
One time we saw a big one, leaving a trail of fire in its wake. We grinned at the sight and suddenly jumped as something fell to the ground about a few yards in front of us. Right dead straight in the center of the road. It was a charred corpse. Still smoking. It landed on its side and we could see the flesh and eyelids were burnt off. Lips too and you can see the teeth gritting. Eyes burnt and boiled through. Hair missing in burnt patches. Melted, wasted polyester suit fused with flesh. A smell like no other.
And the night was quiet.
And suddenly the sound of another corpse slamming to the earth.
And another. Straight into and through the branches of a nearby tree.
And another. And another. A rain of burning corpses. Dozens of them.
Then... silence. And a faint sound like far away thunder.
We waited and waited. Then went back to looking at the stars.
2008-12-07 20:44:12 ET
I heard that Walt Disney's sodomized and dilapidated corpse lies beneath that glowing behemoth that is Magic Mountain. His face, or what remains of it, a horrific, fear-stricken grimace. His eyes... eye holes reflecting the terror black as the moonless night. His asshole... torn open by his cartoon creations. On the stone slab on which he died and lies there can be found scratchmarks made by his torn, bloodied fingernails. A bitter question - "What have I done?"
One of these days I'd like to walk into a library and rent out "Fisting For Fun and Profit".
You ever fuck on top of a trash heap and reach down aimlessly and suddenly feel a used condom in your hand and you're thinking is that one of mine or is it some strange coincidence and then thinking may be I can recycle this... what? Why are you looking at me like that? No. No, that's never happened to me. Really. I mean it. Quit looking at me like that. It's creeping me out. Good god, you look like my nurse. Where the hell is my medicine?
2008-12-07 20:43:37 ET
[20:23] enamon23: fuck this
[20:23] enamon23: My X-Files script:
[20:23] enamon23: Mulder and Scully are pissed off about work and shit.
[20:23] enamon23: They go to a bar.
[20:23] enamon23: They get fucked up.
[20:24] enamon23: The lesser fucked up of them drives them back to a hotel they're staying at.
[20:24] enamon23: They never get there. They're abducted by lights in the sky.
[20:25] enamon23: The ETs strip them and tell them they are there for weird alien breeding experiments. Mulder and Scully assume that means they're going to be sodomized by aliens.
[20:25] enamon23: Instead the aliens, who Mulder and Scully never actually see but instead communicate with telepathically, tell them that they must breed with each other.
[20:25] enamon23: The next hour is Mulder and Scully fucking.
[20:25] enamon23: Then a light overtakes their chamber
[20:25] enamon23: They wake up in their hotel room on the floor
[20:26] enamon23: It's been trashed
[20:26] enamon23: There are whiskey bottles and love stains everywhere
[20:26] enamon23: The beds are overturned and they're both naked
[20:26] enamon23: They look into each other's eyes
[20:26] enamon23: "Was that real?"
[20:26] enamon23: "Did we really get abducted?"
[20:26] enamon23: Then Mulder gets a call on his cell.
[20:27] enamon23: It's his credit card company asking him if that $1,000 charge from Ol' Bubba's Liquor Store is legitimate.
[20:27] enamon23: Mulder asks if they got a signature. The credit card company said that they did and that it matches. Mulder said that it must have been him then.
[20:28] enamon23: He puts the phone down and just stares dumbfounded and naked Scully.
[20:28] enamon23: Mulder: What happened, Scully?
[20:28] enamon23: Scully: I don't know, Mulder. But I'm sure the truth is out there.
[20:28] enamon23: ::FADE OUT::
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