| The beginning 2010-06-14 08:22:50 ET |
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One shot doesn't kill you. Nor do two or three. Nor will a dozen if you can handle it. In the morning you'll feel like death but who waits for mornings to come when the night can stretch for as long as your eyes are closed. And the room will keep on spinning with its carousel floor carrying you with it, feet solidly on the floor. A professional drunk knows which way the room is going even if it's just round and round and round. A new drunk panics and tries to hold on but the professional drunk, like me, recognizes it as part of his nightly routine and carries on. My eyes are still closed. I don't care if it's noon. Nothing can wake me to the light outside. Nothing can wake me now.
And the phone rings.
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| Needs a rewrite 2010-06-04 04:35:54 ET |
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"Scenes from Inside the Metro"
"No Loitering" the sign said. I thought that was strange. After all, this was a subway car and not a street above. "Maybe the sign is fake?" I thought. A close examination did not add any veracity to that thought. It had the same colour scheme as all of the other signs that I had seen and knew were official. It had the same glossy look and feel to it. The same patterns of weariness and decay. Looking away I spotted an off-duty train conductor sitting by himself in the far end of the subway car. He was resting his eyes but I was sure that he was awake by his sporadic whistling and by the idle twaddle of his thumbs. I gathered up my courage and walked over to him. I was never a sociable man but could articulate quite well when curious about something. Leaning over him I spoke: "Is the No Loitering Sign for real?" His eyes unshuttered with an almost audible click. I pulled myself slightly away from him and straightened out. A reporter friend of mine once told me that one must never appear imposing when making some inquiry and that a humble persistance opens up many doors. The conductor's eye gained focus, lost it, and gained it again. I decided to repeat my question as a way to break the ice of silence.
"Is that sign for real?" I asked pointing at the sign behind me, on the wall on the opposing end of the train car.
"Oh, the loitering one? Yeah-a, it's real. New state regulations. "
"State regulations?"
"Yeah, new state regulations. The subways are now considered a public place and, as with all public places in this city there is a no loitering law that applies to them."
"That sounds absurd!" I exclaimed but the conductor's face revealed that he found it all very logical.
"Not at all absurd. Who wants some punk kids hanging out on their front doorstep?"
"Front door step? What are you talking about?"
"The S.H.I.," he said and then, after seeing a look of utter mass confusion on my face, he began to explain everything.
"The S.H.I. stands for the Subway Housing Initiative. It was a plan put into action last year, I think, that focused on the fact that here, in New York City, people need easily accessible homes, easy and quick transportation, and the realization that people just don't need that much room to live in in the first place. I've seen apartments in the city that were smaller than trailer homes. You really don't need that much space. The city basically realized that it had an excess of old subway cars, that the tracks are almost constantly powered, and that they needed to continue to upgrade to computer-based switching. Plus they needed dinero so they outfitted quite a few cars with the technology needed to make them run automatically on computer-switched tracks. They then started selling the subway cars as houses."
This was news to me. "Houses?"
"Yes, houses on tracks. You need to go to work? Just punch in your destination on the car's computer and your house will bring you there using whichever new subset of computer switched tracks is available. And that's why," he pointed to the "No Loitering" sign at the other end of the car, "That's why that sign is there. Because you're on my doorstep. You see, the car behind this one is my house. That's right! I bring my home to work!"
***
Based on a dream I had a while back that ended witg a crash into a ditch. Wrote this over a couple of days so there's probably plot holes in there plus, since I haven't re-read it yet, there might be problems with the story flow. Heh. Heh "flow".
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| Written earlier (in a taxi) 2010-06-02 15:07:01 ET |
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Sitting in a taxi with a reddish eyelid, slightly puffy over my right eye. Greyish black pants with pinstripes like silk spiderweb strings flowing vertical down the trouser legs. White business shirt with both sleeves unbuttoned. Getting slightly sick from typing this in a toll Vic struggling with the stop-and-go attitude of rush hour city traffic. I am off to meet up with the Kimster. I hope that she'll be as happy to see me as I am to see her.
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| Let's do this. 2010-05-26 06:25:23 ET |
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Five questions.
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| I call this one "The Eternal Optimist" 2010-05-26 03:32:51 ET |
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"The Eternal Optimist"
Jungle fever,
I've got jungle fever,
They say it's ebola,
But I call it jungle fever.
I'm bleeding from my eyeballs,
I call it jungle fever.
Losing control of my body,
I ca-
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| What? What? Come on, it's just a joke!
or is it?!!! 2010-05-25 13:35:02 ET |
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"Overpopulation"
Ever try to juggle babies? You should. It's harder than it looks. Learning and perfecting this skill will lead you to many new opportunities as juggling babies will enchance your reputation and embolden you to explore new pastures.
Now, let's begin.
First, firmly grasp at the baby's head. Make sure you've got a sure grip but don't crush it. We wouldn't want anything to stain the shirts and blouses of our audience, would we?
With your firm grip lift the baby off the floor. Do thid slowly and dramatically as this is an easy way to impress your audience. Now throw the baby into the air. Give it a spin. This might be hard to do at first due to the baby struggling, kicking, and screaming but, don't forget, Practice Makes Perfect!
With the fIrst baby semi-suspended in the air by the semi-spherical circular spinning throw grab the next baby as it is flung at/to you by a helper and/or friendly audience member. You grabbed it? Good. Now fling it up just as the first baby is coming down. Now you have two babies flying through the air. This is good but you are not a true baby juggler of babies until you have three babies up in the air at the same time.
To achieve this signal the stage crew that you are ready for the magnificent finish by winking or whistling at the crowd. You can both whistle AND wink but this is considered tacky and ill-mannered. I would advise you strongly against signalling as such.
Upon receipt of your signal a secret panel will be temporarily removed from the ceiling and a baby will be dropped through the ensuing hole. Let the baby drop then just uppercut it. That's all. It's as simple as that. Now just catch the first baby as it drops and fling it back in the air. Repeat same with second baby. Then upper cut the third.
That's all there is to it! Throw, throw, uppercut, catch, throw, catch, throw, uppercut, throw, catch, throw, catch, upper cut, etc.
When finishing the act DO NOT CATCH THE BABIES. Instead sucker punch each and every one of them into the audience. Your newly minted fans will scamper and scurry for these fleshy souveneirs of your show.
Have a memorable time!
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