| ADD before Action 2019-02-24 04:35:02 ET |
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February 24th, 2019
Early Morning
Well, the writing thing hasn't gone off to a good start. It definitely is an issue of focus and concentration and, as I type this, I notice that my fingernails have grown a tad bit long. It feels more that I'm clawing at the keyboard instead of typing on it. Still...
Sleep is easier than writing and distractions abound. The distractions are distracting not because they're pointless and valueless but because they are the opposite: they are reminders of necessary tasks. My procrastinations come forth to collect the time they were promised. I've got things to do and things to learn so when I sit down to write then I remember all the things (or most of the things) that are on my to-do list. It's almost like a Schrodinger's cat of a list since it appears blank when I'm lazy lounging with nothing much to do.
Still, I figured I'll just start writing here. On SK. LibreOffice on this laptop had no updates for a while and that made me suspicious. Sure enough, there's a version jump. 6.1 is now succeeded by 6.2 and the damn system doesn't bother with a prompt or anything. This "laptop" is more of a cheap tablet typewriter. It's an old Asus Transformer that had Windows 10 dumped on it, by me, to save it from the UI/UX terror of Windows 8.
I'm downloading LibreOffice 6.2 right now. I'm at my friends' place and I'm not going to bother waking them up to ask for the wifi password. I probably have it on one of my computers but I might not. I'm using my 4g hotspot instead. It's supposed to be 4g but thanks to the proliferation of femto/micro/macro/and picocells I'm getting speeds at the higher end of dial-up levels. 50k+. It's weird and sad. It is what it is.
The apartment that I'm crashing at tonight is warm. Really warm right now. I took my t-shirt off just to avoid oversweating. It's like the super has people over and decided to impress somebody with the heating levels. I'm not complaining but I'm well aware this isn't par the course for here.
Anyways, I'm probably going to type the whole 5 pages here. This whole ramble being part of that. I was going to pass out into slumber but decided to take a caffeine pill, along with some tea instead. Take a caffeine pill before going to sleep at 4am is like setting up a chemical alarm clock in your brain. You relax, you rest, you close your eyes, you go to sleep. Time passes. The caffeine kicks in, your body picks up the pace, and you wake up. If it takes 2 hours to kick in then you'll wake up at 6. Most likely a bit later but not by much.
Writing is sometimes a question of what to share and what not to share. Even in the case of fictional writing. Where do the characters come from?
Sleep beckons...
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| Goals 2019-02-21 17:34:50 ET |
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So I still need to find a new job and get my shit together (fix my problems with time management and with getting distracted) but a new goal is to write something like 5 pages a day. Maybe I'll only do 3 pages for the first week or so. Or maybe limit it to 3-5 pages a day. So maybe I'll post it on here or something. Copy pasta it like an Italic chef.
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| Music 2019-02-21 17:24:21 ET |
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There's a great Dutch documentary channel on youtube. It's called "Top 2000 a gogo" and they basically interview musicians about random hits that they have and their lives.
Here's one with Iggy Pop talking about Lust for Life and Bowie:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hvBs1KZyXeQ
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| Waste of time 2019-01-14 12:18:11 ET |
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In hindsight, I've probably wasted 15 years of my life slacking off. I mean, I didn't totally slack off. I still did things but I didn't dig into things. Instead I would just go into a weird stasis mode where I'd barely do anything while the time passes. Like lethargy or some such thing. Going to try and address that now. Not sure how but I guess if I notice myself procrastinating or being lethargic then I'll just stop being lethargic by figuring out what to do and I'll stop procrastinating by just doing. I don't know. It's fucking weird.
What brought this on? The realization that my life when I was in school seemed a ton more eventful because A LOT more things would happen daily mostly from me actually reaching out and doing things. The amount of things that have happened between 1996 and 2003 or 2004 are immense. They feel like 20 years of material if I lived life like I do now. That was only a span of 8 years. Maybe 1994 instead of 1996. So 1994-2004 was freaking wacky. Things can still be wacky. I just need to stop being a rock, just sitting there, and become a rolling stone. Okay, that's a terrible pun but whatever. What's the point of life if not to live it? Ironically studying and learning and figuring stuff out is a huge part of living life. I need to do that. A lot more of that.
Subkultures isn't therapy but problems make for content, no?
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| An idea 2018-11-17 03:59:12 ET |
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What's that LJ fork? I'm-a think I'm going to make an account there. Also, I promise to start reading all your posts more.
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| So I got laid off... 2018-11-07 02:28:02 ET |
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So I got laid off. My day of employment was last Wednesday. Now I'm sitting at home, Danger Man paused on the tv, caffeine in my veins, weirdly analyzing my mental state.
We all develop habits. Patterns of behavior reinforced by coincidence, experience, by whatever's most comfortable at the time, by shock, etc. I've developed a habit of calmness. And another habit of seeing the final product but not the lead-up.
I want to say more but I feel that I must segway (yes, I know it's spelled "segue" but "segway" seems more apt these days) to a different thought that arises. One of emotion and of feeling.
I think novocaine and having a limb fall asleep is something that has taught me that sometimes we can move things without feeling them. Other experiences have taught me that we also experience various, uh, "feelings" without directly feeling them. It's kinda hard to explain.
Let's say you slept on your arms last night and now you've got no feeling in your left arm or your right. So now you wake up, it's the middle of the night, it's pitch dark, and you want to turn the lights on. You walk on over to the wall and move your arms about as much as you can. You can't feel them. You can't see them. But you know where they are when you hear that you knocked a lamp over onto the floor. You know that you're moving your arms because, while you can't feel them directly, you can experience the second-hand effects of their movements.
It seems that there are emotions or feelings like that. They are of a different order than the usual emotions. "Happy", "sad", "whatever" seem to be more direct emotions in that the you, in your awareness, can feel them directly. You know when you're happy or excited or sad or whatever. But there are other emotions that exist that affect how we act and stuff that we don't "feel" directly but do experience the effects of. Lethargy seems to be effect of whatever emotions I'm experiencing right now. It's weird.
I think we have inherent animal instincts in us. In the manner of how birds build nests and small furry critters burrow deep into the dirt. We, as humans, are diverse in these inherent behaviours and some of them are blatantly apparent (like with hoarders) and others aren't. I guess I don't just mean apparent to others but apparent also to ourselves.
Now some of these inherent behaviours might just be the effect of habits developed over time.
I'm rambling much, ain't I? In describing a current philosophy, I've forgotten my initial point.
I guess it is that I've not the drive to do the certain things that others would be doing in my current position. I've become calm as if some external/internal psychic force is saying that "all will be well if you just wait" and I feel like a gambler having to decide whether to go with that emotion or to renege against it and scurry and scramble for the next opportunity.
The "wait and see" emotion is stronger though I do have the conscious choice between the two. If I was truly psychic and were looking at my present self as if from a future perspective where all was safe and sound and cool then I'd be happy with the current initiative of lethargy. Alas I don't think that I'm psychic so worry does hound me but it doesn't tread too close. And that should worry me. But it doesn't. Probably out of force of habit.
I guess I should explain the "habit" part more.
When under stress, real stress as in one that has consequences, I begin to feel the moment that I'm in almost as if I'm trapped in it. And if I function with the worry of that moment then I risk tunnel vision and not the perspective of at least a few possible paths. However when relaxed I tend to see the multitude of possibilities and can tread better. But when it comes to the crunch, the visibility of paths becomes narrow and shallow and I may end up following the wrong path only to end up with no way to finish what I intend to do.
So, long story short, I don't know what the future holds or what path I should choose in the present since the past isn't a good guide in this situation and the paths to choose are seemingly numerous which leads to indecision and a standstill.
Fuck, this is long, ain't it?
Back to Danger Man.
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| So that's what that tower on Staten Island is! 2018-07-24 06:07:40 ET |
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https://www.silive.com/eastshore/index.ssf/2010/01/cell_tower_has_become_a_beacon.html
For years I thought it was a guard tower. Turns out:
"The history of the 130-foot radio and cell phone tower three blocks from the intersection of Ocean Terrace and Todt Hill Road traces back some 40 years to a Todt Hill resident and communications pioneer who helped develop the clear, static-free signal known as FM radio.
The late communications entrepreneur Frank Gunther almost immediately stirred controversy in Todt Hill when he moved his odd-looking radio tower from Yonkers to a site behind his home on Highpoint Road in 1967."
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