Did you ever?    2007-12-08 22:06:19 ET
Did you ever wonder why you write? Did you ever wonder if someday, long after you are gone, that someone will try to teach an English class the "reasons" behind what you wrote?

Did you ever wonder if Bronte or Longfellow could sit in the class how they would laugh at what we have decided they were thinking?

Did you ever?

 I lost a pet    2007-09-30 12:59:54 ET
Yesterday a pet died. She was not very large but she had a very large hold on our hearts.

I think I need to breathe. Do you sometimes find so much is going on in your life that your find yourself holding your breath?
1 comment

 Life is too full to give up    2007-09-26 14:02:47 ET
Life is a wonderful thing. It is worth living to the fullest and enjoying every moment.

My husband, a paramedic, says that suicide is the last irrational act of an irrational person. Yesterday, someone I knew casually, drove onto a railroad track. She put her dog and the dog's puppies in a box on the back seat. She set the parking brake and waited. The train did what she wanted but the dog and puppies lived and are now being cared for where I work. Was this person so unhappy that she could not see the end result on her family?

Her son, a college student, was notified at school. Her ex-husband comes to visit the dogs. Will they live their lives wondering how they could have helped her, how they could have stopped this senseless death?

Each person, friends, acquaintances all wonder. How could I have helped?

 The Never Ending Story    2007-09-16 15:43:00 ET
The Never Ending Story is a story my children have always loved. If I remember correctly there are several books which go along with it. I have to admit that although I have glimpsed part of the T.V. film I have never been interested enough to actually read one of the books. I am sure it is full of twist and turns along with frights and thrills. This is what makes it a very good story.

Life has become part of the Never Ending Story. We never know from day to day which way the cycle will turn. It may be a day full of rewards, laughter and happiness or the day may turn dark with secretive twist and turns. At this moment on this day there is a threshold of secrecy.

Our usual habit has been to sit downstairs and visit while we embroidery if I am downstairs embroidering. Or we sit and visit as we play cards. Today, we have been in our room for three hours with only a trip down for clothes in the dryer. Since I am the only one home today this means I, once again, am the problem.

In this house secrecy often washes over us depending upon who writes or calls. Secrecy hides its face in corners and whispers in our ear. Secrecy walks boldly through our doors and through our home, clad in a cloak of shadows, with hints of only God knows what.

Many things have been said over the last year:

I have been accused of writing a mean letter because I was angry that Donna and Trish came to visit and took mom away.

I must have been accused of wanting to or perhaps planning to steal all of momís things because we received a directive explaining that no one would be allowed any of momís things but the girls. Is this how mom really feels and has really said? Or are these simply things the girls have said she feels and says?

I feel that anything mom really wanted us to have was given to us long ago. I do not have to steal from someone I love.

My daughter has been accused of not really loving her grandpa (perhaps because she is adopted) and of planning on throwing the ashes out and having a party in Finland.

We have been told that we are not really part of the family having moved down here. It would appear we cut ourselves off from family although family never came to see us. We have been told that a reunion means a reunion of the rest of the family. This part of the family can see mom any time. Thus, it is our belief that reunions do not include us.

At this point mom has decided to stay here in our home, in her home. I wish it were because she is significantly happy here. I wish it were because she has found out how much she is loved. I wish it were because she realizes that we care for her and would never do anything to let harm come to her. I wish it was because mom realizes how much my mom loves her. I wish it was because she finds companionship with my mom. I realize though, because this is what Steve told Ron in Durango, that this is not true either.

I realize that with mom living in Texas there will always be the tug and pull to make her unhappy here. Not to necessarily make her move but to simply rob her and us the pleasure of simply living life together as a family.

I cannot understand why, if something is being said, that we cannot honestly and openly talk with each other about anything that comes up.

To us, it does not seem that Donna and Trish will ever openly and honestly talk about anything. They only talk behind our backs tearing down our home, our family and us.

I have come to the realization that no matter what I do it will never be enough. No matter how much I love when push comes to shove I will be the ill-begotten child. When it comes to anything that is said about me I believe the worst will always be believed.. I guess the question is am I ready to always be the worst?

In this Never Ending Story do we know what is going on this time? No, we are simply guessing based on all that has gone on before. It has been decided that I have written to someone, which makes me wonder then who can I trust and speak with? I believe the worst part of all of this is the not knowing. Not knowing if mom is hurt, angry or resentful. Not knowing who did what or what was said that someone did. I have always heard that the fear of the unknown is worse than the actuality of the moment. I believe this. I believe that the unknown can wreck your home, your family and your health.

Congratulations, Donna and Trish. Congratulations!

 Love Triangle    2007-08-26 08:51:38 ET
I read a story on netscape yesterday. It was about a 46 year old man pretending to be a 19 year old marine wooing a 40+ year old woman pretending to be a 18 year old high school girl. A young man, the only one who told the truth, was murdered in this sadly sick love triangle.

At what point does the internet allow us to so freely be who, we in our own minds, either see ourselves as or wish ourselves to be?

Has cyberspace really made it so much easier for us to be such nonentities that the person we create is more fun than the person we are? Or is it who we really are?

The difference is, that for a moment in time, we may now be the person our minds or emotions see. In this environment we can say we are, we do, we feel, we have accomplished... what we wish were so.

Obviously, age has something to do with some of the stories. Our bodies grow older but we still see ourselves as young and attractive. Perhaps frustrations with where one is in life plays a part as well.

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