2015-03-13 20:29:04 ET

to any polyamorous/open relationship people out there:

question: would you entertain a relationship with someone without letting them know you're polyamorous, assume that they're ok with you being polyamorous, or that they are polyamorous?

or would you assume intrinsically that they are monogamous (considering that statistically, the majority of people are) and make them very aware that you are polyamorous, ask if they are ok with getting involved with someone who is poly, etc?

i feel like that's a pretty big thing to make sure everyone's on board with. i don't think that's something you assume or leave to chance. i'm monogamous and have no interest in any poly/open relationships, no offense to anyone who does, and i would like to have that sort of information disclosed to me before getting involved with someone. i am absolutely crushed right now.

2015-03-13 23:44:37 ET

in general, people need to be honest with each other. poly or mono or whatever.

2015-03-14 02:40:14 ET

What Gryfin said. Honesty and transparency is important no matter what.

But more to what you're saying. If I were poly, I'd make a special point to be up front at the very beginning with the other person about my lifestyle just because I know that it's more common for someone to be monogamous. It's not something I'd leave for a few dates in. "Oh ... by the way. Now that you're becoming attached ..."

2015-03-14 09:59:13 ET

thanks to the both of you. i have never been in this situation before and i didn't want to be obtuse to the way things are usually done. i had never met any poly people before, let alone been romantically involved with one, and it came as a shock to me. i agree that candid transparency in any scenario like this is the best way to go about things, but it's a little late for that now for me, unfortunately.

a short summary: a guy i have been seeing off and on for months and have exchanged "i love yous" with (ILY as more than a friend, but not IN love) for a while now ended up getting drunk and sleeping with his ex girlfriend, and told me that due to the circumstances, aka her living with him temporarily because otherwise she'd be homeless, it's unlikely that he'll stop sleeping with her. when he tried to explain that having her around again evoked poly feelings that had started to subside as he spent more time with me, and that he still loves me despite what he has done/is going to do, i was/am still at a loss for words.

all i can do is take one day at a time, i guess. but thanks again for your input. i am trying to learn and grow through this experience and if all i get out of it is an appreciation for ways of life other than the one i live, i suppose i can't count it as a total loss.

2015-03-28 15:36:15 ET

People think poly is all wall to wall banging and shit but mostly it's just having a lot of honest conversations and scheduling. And yes, the honesty part is the most important one.For everyone involved.

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