I didn't know where to put this because I wrote it in a notebook a while ago and keeping it to myself obviously isn't working and I know pretty much no one will want to read it. So, this is the best place to put it where it is both out in the world and still private. Yup. I've gone batshit.|
Some nights I dance, some nights I cry. Tonight was a crying night.
I remember July 4th 2010 more vividly I'm sure than anyone I know. Every chance it gets it comes rushing back to me in vivid colors, piercing sounds, blinding lights. Cutting words.
I've gotten by... making nice and being pleasant, but I don't think I've really forgiven them. Not just for letting me go, but for letting me stay gone. And for distancing themselves.
I used to think that Mark and I would literally be friends forever. I really saw "auntie" Tiffany bringing christmas gifts to his kids. I thought of porch swings and long nights remembering being young with my best friend.
Now it's pretty obvious I will only know him for another year or two.
I wonder if I'll even be at his wedding.
Well, they'll invite josh.
The truth is, no matter how many clever justifications I come up with, I really have no right to be mad at them.
I never had the balls. Not to believe I was good enough in the first place, not to stand up for myself that night, certainly not to audition again.
Somehow I found the perfect blend of pride and self-loathing to construct thoughts like "I shouldn't have to audition to get back into my own band! Plus, it's not like they'd take me. I'll never be THAT good."
I'm still not good enough. That life I lived so blissfully for three years was stolen, I'm sure of it. A dream cruelly ripped from someone elses life. On loan to me for the purpose of showing me what I'll never actually be capable of.
I still have 70+ years to live and the most amazing part of my life is already over.
God, it hurts so much.