| 2003-04-12 10:25:06 ET |
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The Tarmvred show last night was great. I don't think I've ever danced so much at a show. I was happy to see so many people show up for it. I was really happy to see Joe and Jodi had made it down from Seattle. I have a vague recollection of groping Jodi accidentally.
I'm surprised I don't have a hangover today given how trashed I was by the time I got to the show. Yeah, rum and cokes and me get along too well. I don't think I will be drinking at Flux tonight.
I ran into an old friend of mine today when I was walking home this morning. Miss Shandon and I used to work at Sparticus together. She now owns a kitchy housewares place called Home EC. She was so happy to see me that she showed me a one horned taxidermy mountain goat head she had just bought at a sale. I know, kind of random, but true. She's a strange lady but really cool.
One day's worth of binge drinking behind me and I feel better. I blew of a lot of steam last night without getting too obnoxious, doing something totally stupid, or spending too much money. It was over all a good night. Man, I need to bath.
I have dj practice today. weeeeeeeee...
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| I want to be a ray of fucking sunshine. Really, I do. 2003-04-07 21:58:09 ET |
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Sometimes I wonder if I appear to have aged recently. I'm always so run down feeling and it seems like every joint in my body creaks. Maybe I just need to stop sleeping on the futon I've had for the last five years and get a real mattress. If that futon could talk, it would scream.
My ticket for my trip back east has been purchased. I will be splitting time between my home town of Marshall, MI and the pit that is Ft. Wayne, In. I really wish I could convince my mother to move away from there.
I will be happy to get out of town and leave my PDX life behind for a week. Too much stupid self-inflicted drama. I want to wish someone I care about to get better but I don't think he would welcome those wishes or worse, not believe I am sincere.
I chawed blankly on some tasty beef jerky and checked in merchandise at work today. Nothing too exciting happened besides me having to intimidate a homeless guy into leaving the store. I tried to be nice, and I was. My level of burnout at work is amazing right now. I am so very happy that I get not one, but two weeks off this year paid. I hope to take the second week off in June or July and go down to Tucson to visit friends and family. I'll get to see my not-so-little sisters! :-)
Upcoming fun things that I may or may not be doing (budget permitting, who needs to eat):
-Dame Darcy @ Satyricon 4/8
-Angels of Light @ The Blackbird 4/9
-Tarmvred @ The Jasmine Tree 4/11 (I'll be there no matter what)
-[flux] @ The Cobalt 4/12
-Pigface@ The Roseland 4/14
-Portland Spring Brew Fest @ the Portland convention center 4/18
Ugh! The 19th I will board a plane to Detroit (risking SARS, hijacking, etc). I land back in Portland on the 26th just in time to get my shit together at home, grab some cds and head out to the Cobalt for my dj debut at Flux. I think I will be a little more than cranky on the 27th.
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| Sick of making depressing journal entries too... 2003-04-04 11:10:54 ET |
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I went to Portland Organic Wrestling for the second time last night. Aside from my passing fear of having entrails land on me and having to witness a full frontal from Harvey Hardcock (dude! he was in drag and wrestled with no underwear on...it was not pretty) I had a great time.
I am so sick of being depressed and depressing to be around. I really need something to perk up my mood. I hope the fact that spring is here will help. The weather will start to dry out, get warm and I will be able to get out for hikes, possibly around Forest Park for now. I hate being ultra cold sensitive. I start feeling very trapped by the weather half way through winter every year. And of course that feeling persists all the way till late April/early May.
I'm am buying my ticket back to Michigan today so that hopefully I'll get a chance to visit my grandfather. I've been thinking about what I will do back east for a week and it hits me that I have maybe one friend to visit while I'm back, the rest of the people I'll be seeing will be family. I hate that I too shy and never made any close friends back in high school. I'm sure I still have acquaintances but far be it from me that I'll be looking them up after 7 years just to say "what's up?"
I'm almost ready to take my doctor up on the prescription for antidepressants she was ready to write last month. Time to do some yard work and wait for the landlord to show up. meh...
Oh I did have one small piece of happiness. It came while kicking out Jehovah's Witnesses out of the store for trying to give me a copy of Awake magazine to read while I had my morning tea and crousant.
Johovah's Witness: "But what if I want to shop here?"
Me: "It does not matter. You have just insulted me. So just go."
JW: "But..."
Me: "Now."
(watching customer applauds)
I guess they asked my coworkers down at the next store why I was so mean shortly before they were given the sign of the horns and told to get out.
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| Unable...to resist...quiz... 2003-03-29 10:05:04 ET |
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I am<strong>Hastur</strong>!
The Unspeakable One is the master of those who seek to unveil the mysteries of death. It is through meditation upon the Yellow Sign that the devotee of Hastur seeks transcendence to the city-realm of dim Carcosa. Through a complex series of visualizations that expand the aspirants void-consciousness, the final age will arise. Ruled by the ominous King in Yellow, a new stage of reality will come to fruition. Of the Olde Ones, Hastur is considered to be one of the most difficult to work with, his teachings being reserved exclusively for the Cthonian Adepts and Lords.
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Which Great Old One are you? |
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| Attrition 2003-03-27 23:06:24 ET |
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at·tri·tion
n.
1. A rubbing away or wearing down by friction.
2. A gradual diminution in number or strength because of constant stress.
3. A gradual, natural reduction in membership or personnel, as through retirement, resignation, or death.
4. Repentance for sin motivated by fear of punishment rather than by love of God.
This week has been a wild ride, an emotional rollercoaster so to speak. I'm trying to lay off drinking since I realized I've been consistently drunk for a week now. I kind of started to pop out of the daze I've been in since I found out the news about my grandmother. Last night was the first mostly sober night. Tonight is the second.
It's been a while since I last updated. Too much has happened. I had a rare moment last night at embers and behaved fully as an asshole to a friend just to make up with someone else. I felt shitty about blowing him off immediately after doing it. It ate at me until this morning when I gave a call to him to apologize. Hopefully the apology will be accepted.
As for that certain someone that I made up with, I'm happy we could talk for a little while last night. I did mean what I said, but please don't expect it to happen tomorrow. Last night's behavior was a prime example of the fact that my head is not together and I should not be in a serious relationship right now. I need to think long and hard about what I really want for the future because I truly don't know right now what it is.
I really wish I could leave town for a little while. The chance may be coming up soon but the circumstances are not happy. My grandfather is not expected to make it though his chemotherapy. I would like to make it back to see him before it's too late but I don't know if it's going to be possible. I have paid vacation time coming to me but to cover my bills but no money for a trip back east as I have not been able to save money at all for the past two years.
Like I said, emotional rollercoaster. Can you say it with me?
Schedule of events for this weekend:
-get paid
-dinner with Micah
-Wyth party
-seeing what I can do about getting back east for a week
-getting my taxes filed?
-Kat's 30 b-day taco party (ummmm...tacos...)
-[flux]
Oh yeah...where did Antoire go? O.O
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