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2003-11-18 16:03:25 ET i thought a nice shower would suffice. i was wrong. i think the change is dealing with my hormones and it not doing this depression any good. i'm very much just not feeling any of this. i should be studying instead i end up watching mtv for five hours. by the end of it i wanna cry. not because of anything touching that happened on rich girls just cause that's how much more depressing it made me. i've been feeling super alone. i can't relate to anyone right now. i thought the whole money and job thing would make things easier and a little bit more optimisitic but it hasn't. i don't understand why i can't just deal like most people. or maybe that's that facade of all this. we all act like we have it all good. but when you get honme you really on the verge of tears like i am. right? i've got this personal narritive to write. which i think may help me out. but i'm not sure. i don't know if its just going to push more things out. i brought down all my old writing and journals. i started reading some of it. instantly i wanted to forget 90% of those feelings. fucking A. i'm really clingy right now. FUCK. just because i can and its my journal. i don't know how to address any of this to the outside. *stares at screennames* i feel like right now i need to sabatoge everything i've got. i can't do that. i've got too much right now. god damnit. *lays head on desk* do you think my monitor will jump and land on my head? that fucker better aim for my brain stem. 4 comments

*prances*

2003-11-17 21:03:19 ET *rubs feet* today was rather long. i don't want to go to school tomarrow. i'll be happy once this week is over. yet another death in the family. it seems the guzmans are dropping like flies. the first death was expected and appentely deserved. this one however, wasn't. no mother should be taken away from their family so early in life. she was only 40. cancer seems to be a fan of the guzmans. my project went over very well today. i'm happy. but our class is lame. and they go completely silent when ever my work comes up. and i have to resort to practically begging people for some feedback. *beats people with fish* it just pisses me off cause i'm always talking about their work. good and bad. trying to help them out. but then my stuff comes up and everyone goes silent. i hate that. i also hate the fact that most people don't turn their stuff in the day its due. if i slave my ass to get my work turned in on time then i better get something for it. *shivers* its been cold. and cuddling this weekened was at a minimum. i demand more cuddling. i however, enjoy spending time with kim. i've eaten three krispy kreme doughnuts in the past week. i don't get it. however. i will gladly take a grilled cheese from in'n'out and at any point in the day. i love cream of wheat. i love it. my aunt asked me if i was going to be getting married soon. that was kinda akward. *shivers* i've been gaining these painful zits. the kind that itch, yet hurt like hell if you think about them. death. *shivers* i took a shower today and it made me realize i really want to soak in a tub. its been months since i have bathed in a tub. i need to relax, i need a gooddamn clean tub. anyone localy have a nice big tub i can soak* in for about an hour? i haven't eaten a good sized meal in awhile. i need to pack my own lunch. cause this eating crap thing is bad. *you can't watch me bathe nor can you bathe with me. unless you happen to be a homo-male. and i mean pre-homo male to me saying boys can bathe with me. 3 comments

2003-11-14 17:46:40 ET somethings troubling me and i can't put my finger on it. troubling me to the point of nausea. i guess i just kinda feel left out of my life. i don't want to go to school anymore in the acedemic sense. i just want to make art. someone needs to see that i have talent, and that math, science, history, and english won't push that when being forced. i don't mind reading, i don't mind writing papers, there is just something about school that really turns me off. blarg. this has just put me farther into my mood. i need comfort. 6 comments

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