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  LadyJoker    Leesburg, FL
I'm Madi (LDYJOKER92) (Haustier Shelby)
I'm 18 (19 in 2 more months)
I live in FL
I <3 this girl

I also have an unhealthy addiction to clowns and clown porn...a a dirty distorted and disgusting way.

I also used to write poems. I don't think that are that great but many people seem to like them.

 Pretty awesome dude    2011-03-25 07:56:18 ET

 lmao some made rebecca black's song sound alot better    2011-03-24 12:09:14 ET

 Job Interview    2011-03-19 12:30:33 ET
I think the job interview went really well. she seem to like me alot. their polocies on tattoos and piercings aren't to bad even though I will be polite and leave them out while I am working. it is nice that I won't have to cover up my tattoos because it would get really hot wearing pants all the time working outside with the dogs. the only time I will have to coverup my tattoos is for events. she said If I get the job they will call me sometime this weekend monday at the latest. and if I get hired I can start on wednesday.
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 Yes I'm a nerd but this is still awesome    2011-03-18 11:50:32 ET
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 YAY!!    2011-03-18 10:30:00 ET
After months of trying and applying at so many different places and calling and having them call me and not want me I finally have a job interview. :-D tomorrow at four at this place :)
the girlfriend is going to get me dressed and ready and put make-up on me... ( not liking that 100% but i will live :-D) hopefully they like me. I will probably take my piercings out for the interview and I can cover one tattoo. really nervous about this.

 Odd dream    2011-03-15 12:34:19 ET
I fell asleep for about 45 minutes and had a weird dream so I thought I would share some of it. I was in the back yard and my girlfriends niece was there with some other kid. the kids said that they saw a kitten so I went to the edge of the fence to look for it. I found an adult cat that looked like she was in the process of nursing a kitten but when i got to close she ran off. I was crouching down at the edge of the fence in the corner trying to find the kitten and I couldn't. when I stood up I saw Mario ( I guess our next door neighbors are Mario and Princess Peach lol) he asked me what i was doing, so i told him i was looking for a kitten. he handed me a bunch of gold coins and I put them into the fence. and at some point i guess the fence turned into some kind of kitten vending machine so when I put the coins in at the top of the fence. little orange kittens came out at the bottom.... that's when I woke up. so yeah kinda strange dream.

 Torn    2011-03-11 11:14:45 ET
Right now my soul feels so torn
And my body feels so worn
I wish you were here to comfort me
Because I feel so very empty
I also feel very lost
And now my soul is starting to frost
I'm starting to feel very cold
And I no longer feel as bold
I feel so alone in this place
Can none of you see it in my face
Look deep in my eyes and you can see
All of this pain inside of me
Can you see my imperfections
Am I heading in the wrong directions
Was there a fork in the road I did not notice
Or did I mean to take a different road and miss
Whatever the reasons I have gone astray
They do not matter until I've found my way

 Darkness    2011-03-09 11:18:39 ET
I've been so used to darkness all of the time
That when the light is near I'm afraid to let it shine
I can see the light all around me
But as I reach out, the darkness surrounds me
While in the darkness I am slowly drowning
As my alarm is silently sounding
And when I try to scream out loud
My voice is lost amongst the crowd
I can't take this anymore
So many thoughts of blood and gore
I don't know what the darkness is doing to me
But I know I need help, why can't you see
I can't stand what it's making me
In my worst thoughts is where it presides
It's trying to kill me inside
I'm fighting it the best I can
But I really need a helping hand
All the light I have is a candle
But it's getting to low for me to handle
I'll have to put it down soon
Then all I have is the light from the moon
In my mind it's always night
Because the darkness has eaten away the light

 Sin    2011-03-09 11:10:00 ET
The way I feel when I look at you I can hardly explain
One thing I feel is pain, another is sadness
Because our friendship will never be the same again
Now as I lay here I think of ways to get back my friend
I wish we would just talk about what happened
Maybe we could take a little walk again
And as we walk we can talk about what happened
I can't help but to wonder if you feel as bad as I
I don't know why I feel so shy when I try
To talk about what happened
So now I need your help
I need my friend
I now stay so confused
All because our sin
I miss you as a friend
So please can we sit down
And talk again

 Soo yeah    2011-03-04 12:25:57 ET
So the neighbors most likely think i'm either crazy or retarded now... I don't see why it's strange to run down the street barefoot in the rain. I love it. My favorite thing ever in this whole world to do is walk in the rain at night. not sure why I love the rain so much.. just something about the way it smells, the way it feels when it falls on my head, and the way it feels on my feet (which is why I always go in the rain barefoot) just makes me feel calm. no matter if I'm sad or mad or anything. the rain just makes me feel happy and calm.
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 A poem I wrote on the first anniversary of my mom's death.    2011-03-04 12:15:29 ET
Since You've Left Me

It's been a year since you've left me now
And I still don't know why or how
I have been ok I guess
I'm not so sure about the rest
This life is like a test
And I swear I'm trying my best
Although my best is no longer enough
I will try my best to be tough
I miss you so much words cannot explain
But that doesn't stop the shit I have to face again
Your body still remains with me
But I smile because I know your soul is free
Some believe your in a better place
I think your somewhere with a new face
Somewhere different with a new beginning
A place where I hope you will have a happier ending
A place with much less rain
And a life with much less pain

 Tears    2011-03-03 11:05:49 ET
Why do these tears run down my face
Was I really that much of a disgrace
I remember being told I was a mistake
Was he right
Or was it just another excuse for a fight
I remember hiding my face in my hair
Wondering why doesn't anyone care
At first I thought they didn't see
But then I knew they did
It mattered the world to me
But to them I was just another kid
I knew that I should tell
But when they'd ask I'd say I fell
I remember when he found my hiding place
It took a long time to get rid of the mark on my face
I don't think he remembers anymore
Now it stays hidden deep withen his core
I don't want any sympathy
Because many have it worse than me
Sometimes I wished he cared
About the feelings I never shared
Because those are the important ones
Many thoughts of knives and guns
Many questions sit unheard
Because I could never bring myself to say the words
I still wish I knew what he thinks
About the pain he caused with his mistakes
Was it really a mistake
Or did I deserve the pain
sometimes my tears fall like rain
Outside on the window payne
I used to dream that one day i'd find a guy
I could lay with under the midnight sky
And he would hold me andd tell me he'd love me forever
And leave me never
And with him my life would be complete
No matter who else I would meet
And when I found him all the bad things in my past
Would disappear at last
And now I doubt that true love is real
Or at least it's something i'll never feel
I hope I meet him someday soon
Before my past consumes me and I live in gloom
I hope true love is real
And that someday I will feel.

Old poem of mine. (btw no longer looking for a guy have decided to stick with girls and found an amazing one)

 Bittersweet.    2011-03-03 09:46:01 ET
It's like a bittersweet romance
Just don't be fooled at first glance
Look at it's beauty, the way it shines
Watch it make perfect little lines
Hear the way it sounds as it slides across the surface
Finally it feels as though it's found a purpose
Feel how strong it is against your skin
Do not hesitate to let it in
Yes it helps, but it's no super glue
The relief only lasts for a day or two
Then you must break the skin the skin once again
Do you wish now that you never let it in?

 A poem for a a friend.    2011-03-03 09:09:03 ET
I feel the blade against my arm
I feel the pressure, I mean no harm
Red tears fall from my skin
All over my arm where the blade has been
I still feel it there
But I no longer care
In here it's my own space
I have no need to hide my face
I pull down my sleeve, I'm not proud
There's someone outside they're getting loud
It's time to get up and open the door
I'm still tired and my arm is sore
But I no longer feel the anxity
It all goes away as the blood flows from me
Almost at the door
Blood is dripping on the floor
getting very dizzy now
I want to ask for help but don't know how
This time I must have gone too deep
I don't want to fall asleep
Starting to fade away
everything I see is turning gray
When they find the keys and open the door
Here is where they'll find me...
dead on the floor

 more poems :)    2011-03-02 09:28:34 ET
Nobody's Perfect

Where did I go wrong
Has it really been to long
For me to change
My whole life has rearranged
I'm falling apart like wet glue
It's time for me to srart anew
I feel like I'm in sinking sand
I need to reach out and grab a hand
I can't be here anymore
Because here I will never be able to soar
Yes I've made my share of mistakes
But at least I can admit them to your face
So you have no room to try and judge me
Nobody's perfect, can't you see

 A poem I wrote for my mom after she died.    2011-03-02 09:23:44 ET

I still need you
No matter what I said
You left me too soon
Now I can't clear my hear
This is all happening too fast
I wish it was me instead
I'm so sorry it had to be you
Who was lying on that bed
I'm sorry I can't remember
All the things you said
But I try my hardest
As I think inside my head
In my thoughts I try to run
But my feet are blocks of lead
This doesn't feel real
But more like books that I have read
I try to reach out to them
But they have already fled
To the safety of their own thoughts
Inside their nice warm beds
And because they have fled
There Is a part of us all that Is dead

 Another poem.    2011-03-02 09:18:26 ET

Sometimes I want to disappear
Close my heart and have no fear
I reach out to you but you don't see
I cannot explain the empty feeling inside of me
I've tried to explain it before
I start with saying I feel nothing but then I'm not so sure
I feel quite happy when I'm asleep
There are many dreams I wish to keep
Sometimes I want an endless dream
At least that's how I want it to seem
Sleeping forever and waking never
It's like there's a secret hatch
I just cannot find the lever
People surround me and try to make life livable
But I really wish I was INVISABLE

 Here Is one of my many poems. Please enjoy and tell me what you think.    2011-03-02 09:11:57 ET

I'm haunted by so many things
and most people think I'm strange
Weather they know it or not
They're haunted too
But they have no clue
It used to be ok
I would just struggle through the day
I kept everything inside
So now it's gotten worse
What did i do
To be given such a curse
But I will go on
Like I did before
Holding everything inside
Walking with no pride
It kills me inside to know
That I'm to afraid to let my problems show
I wish someone would reach out
Because I'm tired of crying and inside I'm dying.

 Hello To All.    2011-03-01 16:29:42 ET
My name is Madi and I am new here. I read my girlfriends posts and see the comments people post. and I am looking forward to getting to know the people here on Subkultures. I'm not much of a blogger but I do poetry and I will be putting up some of my poems soon and would love your feedback on them.